


Full Northern

by Spiteful_Letters



Category: North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell, Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Blood and Violence, Death Note spoiler, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Original Character(s), Romance, YouTube, alternative universe, north and south - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 19:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6820534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiteful_Letters/pseuds/Spiteful_Letters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this universe, Dan never meets Phil and he goes on to become a successful, pretentious actor. Meanwhile Phil carries on with his YouTube career, though he cant shake the feeling that something is missing.</p><p>When Dan falls on hard times he is forced to upheave his life and move to Manchester where he meets the quirky yet irritating 'AmazingPhil' and they begin filming videos together to make ends meet. Can he overcome his snobbish prejudices against YouTube and learn the error of his ways? Will he fall for Phil in the process? Read on to find out!</p><p>This is a loose reimagining of the classic novel 'North and South' by Elizabeth Gaskell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

London was overpopulated, polluted, impersonal, unforgiving, vast and vulgar, and in his opinion; the best city in the world. Perhaps it was the pain of leaving that made the force of his feelings stronger, but that thought didn’t help him as he leaned his head against the glass of the window, craving one last look.

“It’ll be alright Dan” said PJ but this sentiment was slightly negated by his glum look as he stared ahead at the road.

Beside him, Sophie murmured in agreement but she looked equally downcast. They were in a white rented removals van headed for Manchester, leaving their dreams behind them.  
It wasn’t just the fact that their film had flopped: that he could have taken, difficult as it would have been, he accepted it was the life of an actor. Sometimes you did your best but things just didn’t work out. It wasn’t just that he’d left his steady job in the gritty BBC crime drama or that he’d pulled out of two west end plays. In the end it wasn’t even the money he and so many of his friends had poured into this film, and the poor reviews and ticket sales it had wielded. No, he could have borne all of that and more if he’d been able to stay in the beautiful flat.

It had been the best place, the best home, the only place that ever felt like his although he shared it with PJ and Sophie. They were just like family to him, they knew his habits; when he needed company and when he needed to be alone. The flat was expensive but he was a successful actor and PJ and Sophie were up and coming film-makers. (Emphasis on was). They didn’t have to worry.  
His room had come with a piano, overlooking the Thames he played until his hearts content. And then there was the self-contained annex he lived in: he could bring back men anytime, unquestioned. And there hadn’t been any shortage of them: musicians, writers, academics. Anyone remotely brooding and dark who had come into Dan’s radar seemed magnetically attracted to him. He was beginning to wonder about that. What would they think of him now, unable to so much as find a bit part in Hollyoaks? He supposed these relationships were shallow and meaningless but nevertheless they were safe and fun and he certainly hadn’t intended on giving them up so soon.

 

They drove up the M1 in total silence, the radio blaring out offensively happy songs. Eventually Sophie broke the tension by asking:  
“What was the name of this friend you spoke to, PJ?”

  
“Phil. His names Phil.”

  
“And you’re sure this is a paying job?”

  
“Yes, how many times are you going to ask me that?”

  
“Well look what happened with that old guy last week! Ten hours shooting that crappy insurance firm advert and he tells us he’s not paying us.”

  
“Hey, at least you didn’t have to be in it.” Sulked Dan. Sophie looked guilty but still didn’t change the subject.

  
“Youtube though? That doesn’t sound legitimate.”

  
“Hang on!” Dan sat up angrily. “This is for youtube? You didn’t tell me that, PJ”

  
PJ sighed.

  
“Look would you both calm down! Phil is a really nice guy. He’s offered us all a job. He’s basically found us a place to stay… Plus we’ve really got no other choice right now. Our collective CVs aren’t adding up to much.”

  
No one responded for a while until Dan muttered, almost inaudibly: “Youtube though…”

  
“Oh come on, its where all media is headed: online. You don’t watch it?”

  
“Well, yeah I watch it for, you know, music and documentaries and stuff, but these idiot vloggers… Don’t tell me he’s one of them?”

  
PJ squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.

  
“Look, they’re not all idiots: Phil is actually really-“

  
“I cannot believe this, I used to like those guys when I was a teenager, PJ but then like everyone else I actually grew up. This is so humiliating.”

  
“Listen, Amazingphil is different, he’s really creative. You’ll like him, Dan.”

 

Dan scoffed and pulled his hood up, ready for a sulk nap. As he drifted off into an uneasy sleep, he realised he had heard the name AmazingPhil before. The image of a pale young man with sideswept black hair popped into his mind. That was it: Phil had been one of the vloggers he’d been obsessed with as a teenager. He’d even taken a picture of Phil into the barbers at one point, demanding the exact same haircut. It had been the worst haircut of his entire life but at the time he’d been thrilled. Even now he cringed to think of how many adoring comments he’d left on those ridiculous videos, of how much he’d wanted Phil to notice him, give him some small sign of the awareness of his existence. He supposed now it was part of his coming to terms with bludgeoning sexuality and his own acceptance of it.  
If he’d known then that he’d be going to actually work with Phil his younger self would have been ecstatic but he had left behind that obsession as quickly as he’d grown out that terrible haircut, and if he’d thought of AmazingPhil at all since then it was only with a cringe of embarrassment for his younger self. He was twenty five now and he was supposed to be a serious actor with serious hair. This was going to be hell.

 

They arrived at the Manchester flat at about six o’ clock and PJ assured them immediately that it looked better inside than it did out. Dan barely cared by that point. All he wanted to do was get four walls between himself and the rest of the world so that he could figure out what to do next. There was no way he could stay here. It was dingy and gloomy and seemed to reek of failure. He would think of it as a halfway house. He swore he would never call it ‘home’.

  
“Alright, lets get these boxes up.” Said Sophie warily.

  
They toiled for half an hour, lugging boxes up the five storey flat, until PJ admitted the landlord had been supposed to meet them at six and he didn’t have any keys to get in. He and Sophie went off in search of him while Dan, exhausted, sat in the dark hallway, on top of a box entitled: ‘Dan’s shit’. After a while he heard them coming up the stairs.

  
“Finally!” he shouted, getting up and stretching, his entire body stiff after having sat in an awkward position for so long. His outstretched arm struck someone else’s torso, and the man let out a yelp that didn’t sound anything like PJ.

  
“Oh!”

The man had evidently been reaching for the landing light switch behind Dan for now the hallway was illuminated he could see that he had just elbowed none other than AmazingPhil himself.

 

“I’m sorry! I thought you were someone else.”

  
“Someone you wanted to elbow in the chest?” Phil smirked.

  
“No. I was stretching, you see. I’ve been sitting on this box and then you came and…”

  
“…Switched on the light… Dan.” Said Phil, reading the box.

  
“I’m Phil” he continued, holding out his hand.

Dan shook it, noting that Phil had almost exactly the same haircut as he had ten years ago, minus the sides. In fact, he hadn’t really changed at all. His clothes were brightly coloured and pattered, his face pale and long and somehow ageless. The one difference was that he looked slightly more jaded than he had in Dan’s days of obsession, as though he had seen a bit more than he’d wanted to. How awful, thought Dan, to be stuck in that emo phase indefinitely.

  
“Right. I’m Dan. PJ’s friend.”

  
“Yeah I know… The box. You’re the actor.” Ordinarily this would have made him beam with pleasure but given the circumstances it seemed almost sarcastic.

  
“Well… I try.”

  
“Sooo, where is PJ? Sophie?”

  
“The landlord was supposed to meet us here to give us the keys but he didn’t, so…”

  
“Oh, right. That guys quite… Well lets just say he doesn’t follow the normal rules of time. He’s like an evil time lord. Came into my flat once at four in the morning demanding that I stop making a ringing sound. Turns out it was in his own head.”

  
Dan didn’t know whether to laugh or look concerned so he settled for a smirk and hoped it was the correct response.

  
“I’ve actually got a spare key. If you want to come in I’ll try and find it.”

  
He swept past Dan and for the first time he noticed how tall Phil was: almost his height of 6’3. He wondered if that was a once memorised factoid from his youth that he’d forgotten or a new discovery. After fumbling about with his own set of keys, he opened the door next to the one he had been sitting in front of. So they were going to be neighbours as well. Christ.

 

He followed Phil into his flat and stood awkwardly in the tiny kitchen as he searched through the drawers. The room was filled with little cacti and on the wall were various prints of artwork from what looked to be Anime films.

  
“If you cant find them, I’m sure it’ll be alright.” Said Dan, still taking in the tasteless décor; the multi-coloured kitchen stools and the little plushie animals on the shelves above them.

  
“Hmmm” said Phil, stopping the search and scratching his head.

“Where would I have put the keys if I was me?”

  
Dan was beginning to wish he’d gone with Sophie and PJ after all. He wanted to get out of Phil’s pokey, garish flat but didn’t know how to without being rude.

  
“AHA!” yelled Phil suddenly, making Dan jump.

  
“Oh sorry.” He ran towards Dan and for one strange moment Dan thought he was running to hug him. Instead he sidestepped him and reached for one of the little cactuses on the shelf. There in the dirt were the keys.

  
“Yes! I never thought to look inside Gordon!”

  
“Gordon?”

  
Phil visibly reddened.

  
“I… name my cactuses… Please don’t judge me.”

  
“Hey, yesterday I had to pretend to fall over a can of baked beans for a job. And I actually didn’t get paid. And I really hurt my shins. I’m in no position to judge.”

  
Phil let out a burst of genuine laugher, covering his mouth with his hands and doubling over. It felt quite nice to entertain someone so much, even if it was someone so… well quirky was probably the kindest word to describe Phil. Others like oddball and freak also came to mind.

 

“Okay so I’ll let you in.”

  
“Okay” agreed Dan, following him out of the flat.

  
“Hold on” said Phil when they got to the door. “How do I know you’re really the actor Dan Howell and not some psycho axe murderer who’ll come and murder me in my sleep?”

  
Dan wondered how he knew his last name; had PJ told him or had he actually watched him in anything?

  
“Does this look like the face of someone who could be bothered making the effort to get up and actually do something so strenuous as murder?”

  
Phil grinned.  
“No. Alright, you’re in.”

He opened the door to reveal an empty, identical version of his own flat.

  
“Oh God its so small. Urggh. I wish I was back in London.”

  
“Its not that bad” said Phil stiffly. “I’ll help you with the stuff.”

  
After Phil had helped lug in the boxes he’d left rather abruptly and Dan got the impression he’d probably offended him. Staring around the bleak beige walls he found it difficult to care, all thoughts on his wayward career. What the hell was he going to do?

 

After moping around for a while Sophie and PJ eventually turned up, confused by the boxes and Dan’s presence inside the flat despite his lack of keys.

  
“Yeah I ran into… AmazingPhil. He had a spare set so he let me in.” he explained.

  
“Oh. So,” PJ tilted his head slightly. “What did you think of him?”

  
Dan screwed his face up.

  
“I don’t know PJ. He’s a bit… out there. He has an emo haircut and plushie animals all over his flat.”

  
“Yep. That’s Phil.” PJ shrugged his shoulders and they all sighed as they looked at the boxes in the dingy grey kitchen. It was finally time to bed in and accept that they’d be living there at least for a while.

 

Later on, after Dan had chosen the smallest room just off the kitchen, after they had unplugged the toilet and unpacked their meagre possessions, they ordered a pizza and went over the itinerary for the next day.

  
“So we’ve got to be at the Youtube studio for half twelve. Dan you’ve got a meeting with Phil at nine to go over the script. We’ll prep all the equipment and meet you back here.”

  
Dan put his head in his hands. He was beginning to feel a bit queasy and he didn’t think it had anything to do with the pizza.

  
“Dan?”

  
“Yeah. Fine. Nine o’ clock. I’m going to bed guys. See you in the morning.”

  
They murmured their goodnights and he retreated to his tiny room, undressing and then flinging himself onto the grubby mattress. He found his duvet in one of the boxes and covered himself in it, curling into the foetal position as though trying to disappear into the corner of the wall. He tried to drift off to sleep but he could hear someone talking loudly in the room next to his head. It wasn’t PJ or Sophie as they were still in the kitchen. With a lurch of his stomach he realised that the voice had to be Phil’s, perhaps filming some video right on the other side of the wall. ‘There’s no escape,” was Dan’s last thought before he finally lost consciousness.

 

As promised, at nine o’ clock the next morning Dan was at Phil’s door, having had a restless nights sleep and feeling very irritable as he gave a couple of knocks.

  
“Just a second!” came a voice from within and he could hear the sound of footsteps running.

  
“Hi!” said Phil blearily as he opened the door, beckoning Dan in.

  
“Sorry, I was up late last night filming a video and I kind of overslept. Mind if I have a quick breakfast?”

  
“No” said Dan shortly, although he minded quite a bit.

  
“Thanks” said Phil, busying himself with the kettle.

Dan noticed that his owl-pattered tee-shirt was on back to front but thought perhaps that was deliberate, part of his ‘wacky’ persona. He also had two odd socks on and was whistling what sounded like the pokemon theme tune. This was going to be a long day.

  
“D’you want anything? Coffee? Shreddies? Frosties? Cocoa Pops? Poptarts? Grapes? Lemons?”

  
More to stop Phil from listing anything else than because he really wanted anything, Dan answered:  
“Just coffee, thanks.”

  
After Phil had made the coffee (his second pot, the first he had spilled onto the floor) and a bowl of cereal for himself, they sat next to one another on the grey sofa in the corner of the room. An awkward silence followed, punctuated only by Phil’s loud chewing.

  
“So,” he said, after he had eaten a fair amount of Frosties. “I guess you want to hear my plans for what we’ll be doing?”

  
Dan gave a deep sigh and braced himself for the worst.

  
“Yep. Let’s hear it.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Each chapter will alternate between Dan and Phil's POV

This was a completely and utterly ridiculous idea. The full ridiculousness of it hadn’t quite hit Phil until the morning when he had opened the door and clapped eyes on Dan’s face again. It had been bad enough the night before. He had hoped that maybe it was the beers he’d had with Chris at the pub, or perhaps the fact that he hadn’t had sex in two years, but now he had to admit that it was infinitely more than that. Overnight, in his mind Dan had gone from a blandly attractive television star that he was vaguely aware of, to an actual real life dream man who was really making him test the limits of the phrase ‘weak at the knees’. He had actually felt hot and cold at the same time whenever he had looked at those kindly deep brown eyes and that dimple, and the curly hair that he just wanted to run his fingers through…

 

This was definitely bad. All he had wanted was a partner in crime, someone whose talents he could play off, someone to accompany him in the skits he planned on doing for his channel. He hadn’t factored in on getting the most intense crush on his would-be collaborator, to the point where he was finding it difficult to say single words, let alone form coherent sentences. It was happening now, for example.

 

“So… What are your plans?”

“What?”

“Plans? For Youtube?”

Shit. He had trailed off just as he was about to tell Dan what he wanted them to do.

“Oh yeah! Sorry.” Dan looked slightly concerned at this point, biting on his bottom lip. Phil wished he would stop: it was incredibly distracting.

“Right” Phil began again, suddenly strangely aware of his teeth.

“So I was thinking you could kind of… join my channel and collaborate with me in some of the stuff I do- skits and vlogs and gaming and-“

“-Wait, hold on.” Dan interjected. “I thought this was supposed to be an acting gig. In fact I specifically told PJ I wasn’t interested in… vlogs” He said the last word so disdainfully that it almost made him look unattractive for a second. Almost.

“Yeah well it’ll only be a few vlogs… And it is kind of like acting.”

“In what way?” said Dan, arching one eyebrow. ‘Yes’, thought Phil, ‘keep being an arse, it’ll be easier to stop thinking about how much I want to kiss you right now.’

“In the sense that you’ll kind of have to… cultivate a persona.”

“What?!”

“You know, it’s a YouTube thing”

“Being fake as fuck?”

This was really not going as Phil had hoped. He took a deep breath and tried to explain.

“It’s not being fake… It’s like… everyone has different sides to them. If you’re talking to someone’s granny you’re going to be polite whereas if you’re talking to your mate down the pub there’s going to be some strong language and questionable banter. With my YouTube audience I’m not just Phil… I’m AmazingPhil. I’m myself but… more. And with less swearing because they’re predominantly pre-teens.”

Dan leaned back into the sofa, rubbing his head. He still didn’t look convinced. 

“How many… what are they called? Subscribers? How many of them do you have?”

“Five million.”

“Five million?! Jesus, are you kidding me?”

“Dan, honestly, this is a good gig.”

Phil thought it was probably just his imagination but Dan’s expression suddenly seemed to soften slightly. He took a sip of coffee and stared Phil dead in the eyes.

“And what makes you think they’d like me?”

It was a terrible question. Phil really wanted to blurt out ‘because you’re fucking gorgeous’ to the point that he had to literally bite his tongue inside his mouth before answering:

“I saw you in ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ at the Globe last year. Trust me. They’ll like you.”

Phil hoped that his face wasn’t reddening as much as he felt like it might be as he finished the last of his cereal. The answer however, seemed to have finally placated Dan, who offered no further oppositions to any of his specific ideas. It was only after Dan had left to go and join PJ and Sophie that Phil looked down and realised that he’d put his owl tee-shirt on back to front.

 

He met up with them later on at the studio, hoping that the group situation would ease the awkwardness he was feeling around Dan. His hopes were dashed however when Chris turned up and elbowed him in the ribs, winking.   
“Chris, what are you-“

“-Mums the word, mate” he whispered loudly. “Mums the word.”

“-What?”

“Oooh yeah. Bit of alright isn’t he? Now I’m understanding a bit more of your masterplan Philip. I didn’t know you were such a sneaky one.”

“Shut up Chris” said Phil in the most dignified voice he could muster, hoping Dan hadn’t heard any of the exchange.

“Nice to meet you, Dan Howell. Big fan here, big fan. ” Chris stepped past Phil, hand outstretched, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Nice to meet you too. What was your name, sorry?” said Dan, who looked startled, but not entirely unamused.

“Chris. But enough about me. Saw you in ‘An Inspector Calls’ at the old Vic last year actually. Brilliant work. You were very handsome in that. I mean you were very attractive in that. I mean-“

“-Alright! Hi Chris, remember me?” Interjected PJ.

“Yeah hi but enough about you PJ mate, cant you see I’m talking to one of the big wigs here? Havent got time for small fry anymore.”

“Ah, you haven’t changed a bit, Chris.” Smiled Sophie.  
Phil looked over to Dan, worried about his reaction to all of this, but to his great surprise he was laughing, holding onto his stomach in noiseless mirth. Phil felt a pang of jealousy at the way Chis had managed to elicit that much enthusiasm from Dan.

“Hey so you all know each other?” he said when he stopped laughing.   
Chris gave a low whistle. “Me and PJ go waaaay back, don’t we Peej?”

“Oh yeah” agreed PJ.

“Yeah, we were rowing partners in Trinity College, fought in Nam together in ’72… I’ll never forget what I saw there… Crazy days… Crazy days…”

“But in reality they met when they were both working part time in WHSmiths at the Arndale shopping centre.” Finished Sophie.

“Hey Sophie you weren’t there!” shouted Chris, pointing an accusatory finger at her. “You weren’t there, man! I still have the hole- punch scars!”   
Phil glanced again at Dan, who was still laughing. He wanted to tell Chris to shut up again. And louder this time. Instead he opted to suggest that they actually start filming their first video now.

The studio had been built as a space for all the YouTubers in the surrounding area to film using multi-angle cameras. As it turned out, most of the time everyone opted for the small, homely corner next to the window at the back, using two cameras at the most. Viewers seemed to prefer the intimacy of a small set compared to the vastness of the bigger sets. Still it was good to have somewhere other than your bedroom to call your workplace and Phil was certainly grateful for it today as he and Dan sat on the specially made YouTube chairs, with the big model play button behind them.

“Okay, we ready?” he asked, after they had put their mics on and set up the lights and sound.

“Yup” said Sophie and PJ. Chris gave the thumbs up, causing the boom mic he was holding to drop slightly.

“Wait!” said Dan suddenly. Phil was surprised to notice that he looked a bit nervous and flustered. A red blotch had appeared on his otherwise alabaster skin.

“I have no idea what I’m going to say.”

“It’s okay” said Phil in what he hoped was a reassuring voice. “Just say whatever you want. Follow my lead. It’ll be good.” Dan nodded. PJ yelled action and Phil began that familiar greeting:

“Hi guys! Okay so you might have noticed that I have someone here with me today. Otherwise, I’m sorry but you’ve lost vision in the right side of your eyes.”

Beside him Dan let out a stifled laugh which made Phil’s stomach lurch with pleasure.

“Well what if they’re actually blind, Phil?” he asked in mock- seriousness.

“I feel terrible now. If you’re watching this and you’re blind-“

“-you said ‘watching’! How could they be ‘watching’?” Interrupted Dan.

“If you’re listening to this and you’re blind, I love you and I apologise.”

“I think you should release this entire video in braille, now that you’ve said that.”

“I agree, I should.”

“Will you?”

“No”  
At which point everyone laughed, even Chris. Phil was surprised by how… easy it was to interact with Dan on camera. He had been worried that it would seem unnatural, given that they had just met, but this was a better rapport than he could have ever hoped for.

“Right well, anyway,” continued Phil, “This is Dan, everyone. Dan, who are you?”

“God…” Dan widened his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “Who am I? What kind of a question is that, Phil? I mean I’m a man, but I don’t like to narrow it down to gender. Ultimately, like everyone else I’m just a tiny sack of flesh in an infinite universe aren’t I? Oh God…” He put out his hand, gripping onto Phil’s shoulder for a split second. Phil felt as though a bolt of electricity had just gone through his entire body.

“D’you want me to start with another question?”

“yeah”

“Okay. What is your favourite colour?”

“Black.”

“Your favourite fictional character?”

“Voldemort”

“Right. I’m sensing a theme here. Should I be scared?”

 

Phil wondered if the way Dan was smiling at him was for the camera, or because maybe he liked him just a little bit. He would take a little bit. Well, he would take a lot if he could get it. Something about Dan in that moment made him feel like there was no one else in the room, no one else in the universe but them. He wondered what would happen right now if he leaned a bit closer. Then he remembered- the video.

“…So guys remember! You’re all just- what was it- bags of flesh-“

“-sacks of flesh”

“-sacks of flesh in an infinite universe. Try to be nice to each other, and thumbs up this video if you enjoyed it. Dan’s going to be popping up in a few more of my videos soon so look out for him. Dan, do you have anything else to say to the viewers?”

“Don’t do drugs”

“Good advice.”

“Don’t make any horcruxes.”

“Its just not worth it, is it? Bye guys!”

 

“Okay and cut!” shouted PJ. There was a few moments of silence after this, until Dan looked around at everyone and said:  
“What? Was that not good?”

PJ shook his head and smiled.

“No no: it was good.”

Sophie’s brow furrowed.

“You two have never met?”

Phil looked at Dan nervously. Had he unconsciously conveyed any sense of attraction towards him? It felt like it was leaking from every pore but he also felt as though for the moments of the video, he had kept it somewhat in check.

“Umm. Nope, we’ve never met.”

Sophie now raised her eyebrows.

“I don’t know, it just seems like… You two have some sort of… you know what I mean, PJ?” PJ nodded vigorously, looking from one to the other.

“That. Was. Off. The. Charts!” piped up Chris from under the boom mic. “The chemistry! If I didn’t know old Phil here any better I’d swear you two guys were fucking!”  
Phil coughed loudly and squirmed around in his seat. Dan appeared unaffected by the comment, simply adjusting his hair and nodding.

“I’m telling you the fangirls will LOVE this. TEXTBOOK, you guys, TEXTBOOK YouTube. It’s moments like this make a fella glad to be a daily vlogger. God BLESS you. God bless us all!” He ended the speech with a salute.

“Alright Chris, I think they get the picture.”

Perhaps sensing Phil’s palpable embarrassment PJ began putting away the equipment and the others followed suite.

“Now was that too terrible, Dan?” asked Sophie, studying his face carefully.

“No. I mean… It was fun... It all just feels a bit like…” he gestured round the studio. “Pointless? I don’t mean to offend you” he added, suddenly addressing Phil. “But don’t you think you could use this space to talk about something… real? Like politics? Or make a film? Something that actually might have an effect on people.”

Phil felt as though someone had just gutted his insides.

“What I do has an effect on people.” He said in a small voice.

“I’m… I didn’t mean that.”   
The atmosphere had become suddenly icy.

“Well. I’d better get down to some editing now” said Phil.

“Yeah we’re gonna go and sort out some stuff in the flat” said PJ, turning to leave with Sophie. “Dan, you’ve got that audition soon haven’t you?”

“Yep, I’d better go now as well.”   
After Dan was out the door, Phil realised he felt as though he had been holding his breath the entire time and he could now let it out. It was like he was suddenly gasping for air.

“Jeez. Was it something I said?” Chris said.

“Nope. Pretty sure it was something Dan said.”

“Fuck me, that guy is a bit of a snob. But still: fuck me!”

Phil mumbled something and turned on one of the computers to start editing, hoping Chris would get the message and leave him alone. He was almost at the door when he turned back to Phil and grinned:   
“You like him, don’t you?”

“No.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I asked him out?”

“What? You’re going to ask him out?”

“Well I might. I mean you don’t have a problem with it.”

“Well… I might… Have a problem with it.”

Chris punched the air with his fist.   
“Aaaaand there’s my answer. Good luck Phillip, my boy. This could get ugly.”

With that he left and Phil was free to put his head in his hands. In twenty four hours his life had become twenty times more complicated. A large part of him wished he had never set eyes on Dan Howell. Now he would have to stare at his face again for a couple of hours as he edited the video.

He tried to focus on the horrible things Dan had said about his work being unimportant as he stared at them together on the screen, but those thoughts melted away the more he looked at him.  
‘I love him’ he thought loudly as though he was shouting it inside his own head. ‘This is mad. I actually love him.’

He was close to finishing the video now. All he would have to do was press upload and wait for it to process. He had chosen a close up of Dan’s smiling face as the thumbnail.  
He clicked the upload button almost impulsively before he lost his nerve then deliberately banged his head against the table.  
“Owww” he moaned, not expecting it to hurt so much.

‘Ok, pull yourself together Phil’, he thought. ‘You’ve known this guy for one day. Yes he’s good looking but he’s also a bit of an arse. You do not love Dan. You do NOT love Dan.’

 

By the time the video had been online for a mere half an hour, most of his viewers seemed convinced that the opposite was true.


	3. Chapter 3

“What the hell does ‘shipping’ mean?”

Dan was lying on the couch with his laptop on his belly, lazily scrolling through the comments on the video he and Phil had made together the day before.  
Sophie and PJ looked at each other.

“Erm, d’you want to tell him or should I?” asked Sophie.

“It means they want you two to be in a relationSHIP” said PJ.

“ _Right_.” Said Dan, still scrolling. “It’s a bit… full on. Some of these comments… I mean… Jesus Christ.”

Scrolling past a comment which had detailed exactly which part of Dan’s anatomy they were imagining Phil ‘going to town on’ in graphic detail made Dan decide to play the video again. He wasn’t squeamish about creating a chemistry with someone on camera; he’d done it countless times in front of live audiences. But he couldn’t quite understand how this three minute clip had seemed to make people’s hearts flutter as though they had been watching hardcore pornography. Watching it again, he conceded that the video was well- made and mildly entertaining, but it certainly wasn’t anything special.

“I don’t get it.”

“What?”

“What all the fuss is about. In the comments.”

“I think people just love to speculate,” shrugged Sophie.

“It’s just that Phil’s so… Blue Peter presenter-y. Like non- sexual. It doesn’t seem right somehow.”

“Yeahh” agreed Sophie. “But there’s something nice about that isn’t there? It’s very unthreatening. Having been a teenage girl once, I can safely say there’s nothing more appealing than a man who’s guaranteed to never try and sleep with you.”

PJ and Dan both exchanged a look.

“Well that explains more about your love life than I ever cared to know, PJ”

Sophie coughed and suddenly changed the subject.

“So, how did the audition go last night then, Dan?”

“Urgh!” said Dan, closing his laptop and rubbing his eyes. “Terribly. It was for a regional play. One of those Kitchen Sink dramas. Meaning I had to put on a Manchester accent. Needless to say I haven’t had a call back yet.”

He slumped deeper into the sofa.

“It just seems like I’m never going to find any proper acting work here.”

“Something will come up” said Sophie reassuringly.

“Maybe I should just accept my fate, write on my resume, Dan Howell: failed actor, successful YouTube sellout.”

Despite PJ and Sophie’s best attempts, Dan stayed in a terrible mood for the rest of the day. He decided to sort out the boxes in his room, instead of leaving them stacked in a pile. But that just made him realise that the room was far too small for all of his possessions: the vintage collection of hard- back Shakespeare books, the ornate silver chess set, the neatly folded designer label clothes. In the end he just took everything out of the boxes and put them to one side of the room so that he still had access to his bed (well, his mattress) and the window. Even the view was gloomy. From this height all he could see were more grey flats and the massive car park below them.  
He felt that he would have given anything at that moment just to spend five minutes back in his London home, playing the piano.

“Dan!” yelled PJ after a few hours had passed.

“We’re going out! I think Phil wants to talk to you about another video!”

“Kay!” Dan yelled back.

Begrudgingly he looked around for some socks and slipped on his Gucci high top shoes. It wasn’t as though he had anything better to do, he supposed as he left the flat and knocked on Phil’s door.

“It’s open!” came Phil’s voice from inside, so Dan let himself in.

Phil was evidently cooking something judging by the smell and the four pots on the cooker with steam coming off them.

“What are you making?”

“It’s…” Phil turned around and grinned at him.

“I don’t actually know anymore. It started out as ratatouille. Then it turned into a sort of risotto type thing and now I think it’s just a mushy kind of mess.”

Dan took a look inside one of the pots which contained a blackened, burned pile of a substance which looked like it might have been rice at one point.

“Hmm, yeah I think you’ve gone wrong somewhere… Everywhere…” he added, looking inside another pot then quickly closing the lid to keep the smell in.

“Was this going to be for a video?”

“Yeah, this was a practice one in case I messed it up. Well, I guess I should stick with… cereal.”

He looked so defeated that Dan began to feel a bit sorry for him.

“Well… Look, you’ve still got two pots of stuff that seems edible. Let’s try and salvage this.”

He edged beside Phil, taking one of the wooden spoon and started stirring. He hadn’t realised how hungry he was until now.

“D’you mind if I film this?” asked Phil somewhat shyly.

“Nope.” Said Dan, making a face. “Isn’t that what YouTubers do? No stone left unturned, no cooking disaster left unfilmed.”

“Hey! You just said some of it looks edible!” whined Phil who taken his camera out of his pocket, switched it on and was now pointing it at Dan.

“’Some of it looks edible’. Hardly the words of a confident man, Phil.”

It was odd, he had to admit. There was an immediate ease to their relationship on camera. As soon as Phil had started to film, he felt like he was back in a very comfortable role that he had played many times before. Perhaps it was the fact that he had watched Phil years ago, and so in a sense he felt that he had known him for a very long time.

“DAN!” Phil was suddenly yelling, and punching him on the arm.

“What are you- oh my _God!”_ He had been reaching across the stove to stir the food and his sleeve had caught fire.

“You’re on fire! Drop and roll! Drop and roll!”

Dan waved his flaming arm around but to no avail. Phil suddenly seemed to stop panicking enough to come to his senses, throwing a jug of water over Dan’s arm. The flame was finally extinguished.

“Are you okay?! Oh my God!”

“Yep.” He addressed the camera, which was still propped up next to the cooker. “It’s alright everyone. Dan is not on fire. I repeat: Dan is _not_ on fire. I live to fight another day.”

“Wait, you need to run it under the tap, just in case.” Said Phil, turning on his cold water kitchen tap at full power.

“I think its fine, I just-“

“-No! Come on.”

It was the first time Dan had witnessed the easy- going Phil insist on something, taking his arm and holding it under the water.

“This is an Alexander McQueen design” he lamented, looking down at his ruined sleeve.

“Priorities, Dan, priorities. You could just tell anyone who asks that it was made like that.”

Dan let out a chuckle and wiped off his arm with a paper towel.

“How does it feel?”

“Fine. I don’t think the fire got through the sleeve.”

“Good. Cause I think the top would’ve- OH SHIT-“

Distracted by Dan’s arm, they had both forgotten about the fact that the stove was still on full heat and now thick black smoke was billowing out of the four pots.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!”

They both raced for the stove, almost knocking each other over in the process, but after they had turned off the heat, the smoke gradually subsided.

“Well” said Dan. “That didn’t exactly go as planned.”

“Basically. Just don’t do any of the things we just did and you’ll be fine.” Said Phil.

He took one of the spoons out of the pot nearest him. It was now encrusted with a blackened liquid which looked to be the consistency of coal tar. He held it up to the camera and grinned.

“Delia Smith eat your heart out.”

“But not literally. Because I like Delia Smith and I don’t want her to die a premature death.” Added Dan.

“Right. Well, Dan and I are going to go and… not eat this now. Dan? Anything else you want to say?”

“Always remember, if you’re on fire: drop and roll.”

“Words to live by. See you in the next video!”

He switched off the camera and let out a sigh.

“Wow. How am I going to clean all of this?”

“I think its gone past cleaning at this point. I think it’s gotten to the stage of throwing all this in a nuclear reactor.”

“Well,” he sat down on the sofa, apparently deciding to ignore the problem for now.

“D’you want to order a pizza?”

Dan’s stomach rumbled as though in response.

“My stomach’s saying yes. My brain’s saying ‘no, Dan you just had pizza last night you fat bastard’.”

“Go with your gut.” Smiled Phil.

“Oh all right,” Dan decided to admit defeat as his stomach growled again and he flopped down on the sofa next to Phil.

He realised that this was the first time they were actually hanging out in a non- work capacity and he suddenly found himself stuck for something to say. After Phil had ordered the pizza there was a bit of an awkward silence. Maybe Phil felt it too because he turned the conversation back to YouTube.

“So. Did you like the video?”

“Yeah. It was funny. Good editing.”

“Ok, good. I thought it got a really good response.”

“Definitely.” It seemed that they were both in mutual silent agreement to not mention the ‘shippers’.

“You could start your own channel you know.” Said Phil suddenly.

“Mmmm. I don’t know…” Dan wasn’t keen on the idea. It was one thing to be the guest in a semi- famous YouTuber’s videos, but starting his own channel just seemed like he was completely joining that world and leaving the acting world behind.

“I think you’d get a lot of subscribers.”

“Its not that… Its just, I don’t really want to commit to an entire channel. This isn’t supposed to be my life. This is just a… a stopping off point.”

“Oh, ok.”

He had done it. He had upset Phil again. He’d meant what he’d said but now he also felt like he had just kicked a puppy. Phil’s enthusiasm seemed to deflate out of his body.

“But well… I suppose I could just set one up. I wouldn’t necessarily have to post any videos, would I?”

“No, of course not!” said Phil, brightening.

By the time the pizza had arrived, they had set up a fully- fledged Youtube channel called ‘Danisnotonfire’ (Phil had suggested the name) which had already amassed 50, 000 subscribers.

“But I’m not going to post anything.”

“Okay.”

They settled down to eat the pizza and Phil put on a DVD. Dan groaned when it turned out to be an anime programme but after watching two episodes he found himself hooked on the story.

“Is he going to find out that its actually Light killing everyone?” he asked, gripping Phil’s arm, the pizza forgotten.

“I cant tell you!” said Phil with an infuriating smile.

He said goodnight to Phil a few hours later, finally managing to tear himself away from ‘Death Note’. Back in his bedroom he realised that for all the time he’d spent in Phil’s flat, he’d actually forgotten about how miserable he was. Now it all came flooding back in a great rush of gloom. He switched off the light as the bare bulb was just depressing him even more. As he crawled into bed he couldn’t resist getting out his phone and checking the video again. It had now reached over a million views.

 

As a couple of months went by, things fell into a comfortable routine. Dan and Phil would shoot three videos together per week: one a general discussion, one a gaming video and one more of a follow-me-round vlog. PJ, Sophie and Chris would help them film or go off and do their own projects, and Dan would go for auditions in the evening while Phil edited and uploaded their videos.  
Each week the channel seemed to grow in popularity, with fans clamouring for even more content.

“I mean, what do they actually want from us?” asked Dan during an afternoon brainstorming session at the YouTube studio. “A twenty-four hour live feed or something?”

“I bet there are a few people who wouldn’t mind.” Smirked Phil.

“But I just wonder where all this is going to end up. Don’t you ever worry that people will just… stop watching?”

“Yep. That’s why I think we should do some merch. And some brand deals.”

“Oh for God’s sake Phil.”

“Why not?”

“Because… It’s just _stupid_. It’s manipulative towards the audience.”

“Not if they know exactly what we’re doing. And like you said, they can turn off at any time. No one’s forcing them.”

Dan shook his head. Phil just didn’t get it.

“It’s tacky. ‘Hey guys we’re like your best friends, oh and by the way please buy this hat, and this jar of delicious mayonnaise.’”

“It wouldn’t have to be mayonnaise. And anyway… money in exchange for entertainment, so that we can live and make more entertainment… Isnt that what acting is? You don’t do it for free.”

“I don’t do it at all! Anymore…” said Dan, exasperated with the circular argument.

They had been discussing it for a week and a half, and he could feel himself being slowly worn down.

“Come on, Dan. Imagine: little Dan and Phil plushies. With little video cameras in their hands. You’re smiling!”

“That doesn’t mean anything! Does Chris have any merch?”

“Yep. Even Chris has a few Crabsticks shirts for sale. They’re quite nice actually. I’m sure he’d give you one if you-“

“-Did you and Chris ever make videos together?”

Dan surprised himself by blurting this out, but the question had been on his mind for a while.

“We made a few, but he’s more of a one man show, as I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

“Yeah, I noticed.”

Dan felt relieved but he didn’t exactly know why. He still felt curious about Phil: why had he wanted Dan specifically to come and make videos with him? He was funny and sociable, and not entirely unattractive; he didn’t seem to have any problems making friends. So why had he sought out a virtual stranger to be his YouTube partner? Dan wanted to ask him outright but didn’t know how to without sounding like an idiot.

Phil was now going into the specifics of how the merchandise would be made and how they would sell it. Dan was only half- listening. A lock of Phil’s usually neat hair had come out of place and was now resting in the middle of his forehead. He wanted to reach out and fix it. It was really irritating him.

“Oh!” he said, suddenly realising.

“I have an audition! I need to go!”

“What, right now?” Phil looked disappointed.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. What’s it for?”

“A radio drama. I know, what’s the point?” said Dan, rolling his eyes.

“Good luck,” said Phil.

Dan couldn’t stand it anymore. He leaned in towards Phil and tucked the hair into place.

“Sorry… Your hair was annoying me.”

Phil looked slightly flustered at this, muttering his thanks. Dan left the YouTube studio feeling that he had inadvertently just created an odd moment between the two of them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that this is a very long chapter but I couldn't work out how to break it down, so... Plus I'm not posting another one til Monday so I thought an extra long one today would be alright.

It was now October which meant that Phil had been in love with Dan for five months. He didn’t even bother trying to deny it to himself anymore: it was pointless. Being around him was torture, and he was enjoying every second.

They had been seeing slightly less of each other recently since Dan had gotten a recurring character part in a BBC radio drama, and he had also started working part time as a drama coach for disadvantaged young people at the local Youth Theatre. But they still met up with each other at least once a day. Perhaps, Phil thought, it was because Dan now felt more fulfilled in his acting work, but he could sense a definite change in his attitude towards YouTube. Ever since they had released their merch Dan had stopped making barbed comments on the worthiness of the platform, and Phil hoped it would stay that way. Dan had even agreed to his suggestion that they both attend a YouTube convention the following month to do a meet-up with fans. He even had his own suggestions for videos they could do there together.

“Yeah so I think we should do like a live question and answer thing… Or interview each other!”

They were at the YouTube studio discussing possible video ideas with PJ, Sophie and Chris.

“Er, guys,” interjected Chris. “Have you _seen_ the filthy comments you get? Unless you actually want ninety eight fourteen year olds asking you about butt plugs then I really think that’s a bad idea.”

Phil narrowed his eyes at Chris.

“Woah, Phil, alright. Calm down.”

“We went last year and everyone was really nice!”

“We didn’t have Dan last year! Dan, I don’t know what it is but you really seem to bring out the filth in people.”

Phil was worried that Dan would be put off going to the convention by Chris’s jokes about the audience, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s alright Phil, I know he’s just trying to scare me. Doesn’t want to share the limelight.” He yawned, stretching out his arms above him. Underneath the table his leg moved against Phil’s, sending a shiver down his spine.

“So are we actually going to film a video today or what? Cause I’ve got to go and record my radio part soon and then me and Phil have got YouNow later so we really don’t have much time.”

“Alright come on then,” said PJ, wearily, standing up.

Phil was greatly looking forward to the YouNow session. It was the one time when they always filmed alone, in his flat; just the two of them together in front of the laptop. And Dan had made it a kind of tradition to bring round a bottle of wine for them to share. The last couple of weeks he had stayed afterwards and they had laughed and talked for hours. He was rather hoping this would be a recurring incidence now.

He was actually finding it hard to concentrate today. Dan was just looking _so_ good. He was wearing a white jumper which for some reason really seemed to accentuate the beautiful brown leaf shape of his eyes. His curly hair kept falling into his eyes and he would occasionally throw his head back to get it out of his face.

“Er… Phil, mate, we’re just waiting for you to introduce this now.” PJ coughed.

“Right!” Everyone was staring at him.

“Okay so we’re back guys! And we’ve got a big announcement to make, haven’t we, Dan?”

“Is it that you’re buying a new cactus, Phil?”

“No, it’s much less exciting than that: we’re doing a meet-up!”

He managed to get through the rest of the video without embarrassing himself too much by avoiding eye contact with Dan, but it was difficult. After they had finished Dan had to rush off to his radio job.

“See you later tonight Phil!” he shouted as he left.

PJ and Sophie excused themselves to film their own project, and Phil found himself alone in the editing suite with Chris, much like the first day he and Dan had filmed a video together.

“So…” began Chris, a wide grin forming on his face.

“When are you gonna ask Dan to marry you? Tonight? On YouNow?”

“Chris-“

“-No seriously though, _seriously_... When are you gonna ask Dan to marry you?”

“I…”

“Alright, alright, let’s… I’ll break this down into language you’ll understand Philip. You like him don’t you? Don’t you?"

“…Yeah.”

“And you’re single, right? No secret bum chum to speak of?”

“Chris for _Gods_ sake!”

“Just answer the questions, Phil. I’m in the zone here, I’m like Oprah bloody Winfrey. Are. You. Single?”

“Yes.”

“Is _he_ single?”

“Yeah.”

“Then ask the fucker out then for fucks sake!”

“I don’t think he likes me in that way. I mean yeah, we have a good rapport on camera. But he’s an actor... Anyway he’s totally out of my league.”

“But think of it this way: he’s not even a proper actor anymore, he’s a voice artist. He’s weak, he’s vulnerable. He’s lost stock. He’s gone down about five leagues. Now is the perfect time to pounce.”

“Chris, you’re disgusting.”

“I’m disgustingly right.”

“I’m not listening to you anymore.” He put on his headphones and switched on the computer, but Chris sat on the desk in front of him, still grinning that irritatingly smug grin. It took him a good twenty minutes to finally tire of the joke and leave Phil to edit. And almost as soon as he had left Phil received a two- word text message:

_DO IT_

He had to admit that Chris had a point.

 

By eight o’ clock that night he had given his flat a thorough clean, brushed his teeth for fifteen minutes, showered and changed his shirt a grand total of five times. He had finally settled on his favourite blue Topman shirt with the little black stars. As he waited for Dan, he tried to distract himself with a couple of episodes of an anime, but he found it impossible to concentrate on anything that was happening. He switched off the television and started pacing around the room.

He didn’t know why he was so nervous. It wasn’t like anything was going to happen tonight. And yet… Something was building within him, a desperate urge to just blurt it all out. He was terrified that Dan would reject him outright, but he didn’t know how much longer he could hold his feelings in. He was ready to explode.

_'Alright'_  he thought finally. _‘If he gives me some sort of sign that he might be feeling the same way, I’ll tell him tonight.’_

As if on cue, his front door opened and in stepped Dan, looking windswept and a bit grumpy.

“Oh God! Sorry I’m late, there was a whole thing with my radio character. I thought the writers were going to kill him off but it turns out his disease isn’t actually fatal. Thank _Christ_. D’you have some glasses for this?”

He waved a bottle of red wine towards Phil, then looked him up and down.

“You look good.”

“Thanks.”

_‘This isn’t the sign, this isn’t the sign.’_

He took the wine from Dan, trying not to look at him too closely. His hair was even messier than it had been earlier and it wouldn’t be a good idea to start getting into those thoughts again.

“Anyway,” Dan said, flopping himself down onto the sofa as Phil got the wine ready.

“I was really worried. I know it’s just a crappy part and everything, but its steady work, and technically it is acting.”

“Yeah, of course it is!”

“And I do really love working at the Youth Theatre. Some of those teenagers are just so talented, you know… And its terrible. There are no opportunities for them round here at all. Thanks… oh _God!”_

Phil had just handed him a Hello Kitty mug full of wine. He had chosen a dinosaur one for himself.

“Don’t you have _any_ wine glasses?”

“Nope” smiled Phil, sitting down next to Dan and turning on his laptop, which was on the coffee table in front of them.

“Phil… I don’t understand why you don’t get a bigger place.” Said Dan unexpectedly, looking around the flat. “You’ve got the money.”

“I like it here.” Shrugged Phil, but of course, that wasn’t the reason. He just didn’t want to get into the real complicated, painful reason with Dan sitting right next to him, looking so good, sipping his wine.

“Okay, its half eight, should we go live now?”

“Let’s do it.”

 

The YouNow started out in the usual way, with Dan and Phil greeting as many of the fans by name as they could.

“Hi Phantom360, hi EmilyBookworm, hi DanandPhilStalker, hi CactusDinosaur, hi PhillyPhil, hi Dil’sWife, hi JamieG1, hi Danisafail, hi Meganthephangirl- oh Phil, its Megan! From last week! Glad you could join us again, Megan…”

They continued in this fashion for about ten minutes until they felt like they had exhausted the greetings. At this point they would usually start talking about anime programmes that Phil had forced Dan to watch, or bands that Dan had forced Phil to listen to, or the various YouTube videos they had uploaded recently.  
Tonight the topic fell upon FKA Twigs, one of Dan’s favourite singers.

“I cant believe you’ve never heard of her, Phil.”

“I know, I’m a bit of a granddad when it comes to popular music.”

“She’s just… Like the music, it just makes me _ache_ , it’s so good. And her choreography, everything. You know when something's so brilliant it just, like: _completes_ you. I sound like I’m exaggerating but I’m literally not.”

Dan was on his third glass of wine, gesticulating wildly, his eyes sparkling, his face flushed. They had somehow, without Phil even realising it, moved closer together on the sofa, there was now a hairsbreadth between them and Phil imagined he could feel the heat of Dan’s body against his. He wanted Dan to keep talking, in that passionate way, just so that he could have the excuse to keep staring at him.

“I’m going to loan you all her albums Phil. I just want you to… _experience_ it, you know?” Now he was looking into his eyes and the distance between them closed completely, they were just leaning into each other. The YouNow commenters noticed the shift immediately:

_'OMYGOD DAN’S PRACTICALLY SITTING ON TOP OF PHIL ASGHJKL'_

“Guys guys calm down. You’re getting worked up over nothing.” said Dan, who looked unconcerned.

_‘Yep, that’s right,’_ thought Phil, whose heart was beating fast in his chest. _‘This is not a sign, this is nothing.’_

“Alright so we’ve got fifteen minutes left guys. What d’you want us to talk about?” Phil asked the screen.

Typically, a barrage of inappropriate comments popped up.

“You walked right into that one, Phil,” said Dan, laughing. “Nope, not answering that… _Definitely_ not answering that: Megan, I thought you were so sweet and innocent!... Okay, someone’s saying do two lies one truth, that seems reasonable. Phil, you up for it?”

“Only if you go first.”

“Ahh, typical reticent Phil. And we’ll probably only have time for me anyway and you wont have to do it: he’s sneakier that he looks, you guys.”

“Well go on then. Or are you too scared?”

Dan laughed, taking another sip of wine and leaning his elbow on Phil’s shoulder.

_‘Not a sign.’_ Thought Phil.

“Ok, let me think of something… _OH._ Right. OK. You’ll never get this… Right… Number one: Before I moved here I was so strapped for cash that I appeared as an extra… in a porno.”

Phil spluttered with laugher.

“You get extras in pornos?”

“This was an old fashioned porno. Like with a plot and everything! Okay, now, number two: before I became an actor… I once auditioned for a boyband… called Clam Boys.”

“Stop! Stop, I actually cant breathe,” said Phil, clutching his chest in laugher.

“No, wait, you haven’t heard the best one yet. Number three: the first guy I ever had a crush on… was AmazingPhil.”

Phil stopped laughing. He felt as though his stomach had dropped out onto the floor.

“Yes, that’s right, guys. I was a teenage YouTube fanboy.”

That had to be one of the lies. It had to be. It was cruel, the way that Dan was saying it so casually, but then again, it was nothing to him, and he could have no idea that it was everything to Phil.

“Ok” said Phil finally, in a small voice. “It cant be that one. Cause I know how much of a grudge you had against vloggers before you came here.”

Dan smiled at him but didn’t really react otherwise.

“And it cant be the porno one, I just cant believe that… So… you auditioned for a boyband?”

Dan’s smile got wider.

“Nope!”

“You were in a _porno?”_

Dan raised his eyebrows and threw his head back in laugher.

“Phil, are you insane?”

Phil felt as though his heart had stopped beating.

“Of course I wasn’t: that doesn’t even make sense.”

“You… you used to watch my videos?”

“I used to _obsess_ over your videos. I even went and got the exact same haircut as you. I’ll need to see if I can find a picture somewhere. Can you believe it?”

“No.” said Phil quietly. His mouth had gone dry. _This was the sign._ This couldn’t be construed in any other way.

“Aaaand look: it’s ten o’ clock now. Phil, you got out of it. But next week it’s definitely your turn, okay? If I have to embarrass myself in front of everyone then so do you.”

“That’s fair enough. But I’ve got a whole week to think about it. Bye guys!”

“Bye everyone!” said Dan, waving frantically at the webcam. Phil got up to switch off the laptop and pour himself another cup of wine. His hands were shaking and he spilled some onto the coffee table.

“Phil? Are you okay?” asked Dan.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine D’you want another glass? I mean mug?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Phil poured another mugful of wine, handed it to him and sat back down. Again he was finding it difficult to look at Dan. It was hardly surprising, given what he was about to tell him.

“You just seem a bit… off. Did I freak you out with that truth thing?"

“No, no! So… it is true then? You didn’t just make it up for the game?”

“Of course it’s true, you can’t just _lie_ in a game of two lies one truth, that would be… That would annoy Jesus.”

“Okay.” Phil stood up. He thought perhaps it would help with the shaking which had now spread from his hands to his entire body. Dan stood up too, and Phil finally looked him in the eyes. He looked deeply concerned.

“You’re really scaring me, Phil. Have I done something to upset you?”

“No. The opposite actually.” Phil took a deep breath and stared into Dan’s beautiful, worried eyes.

“Dan, I need to tell you something. I just… I have to just get this out because it’s been playing on my mind.”

He decided now that since his legs were shaking uncontrollably, he’d be better off just sitting down again. Dan followed suite, sitting very close to him and putting a comforting hand on his arm. This was becoming farcical.

_‘Just SAY it.’_

“Right, so. I had this plan for you to be my YouTube partner because I’d seen you act and I thought you were great and I thought we’d be a good partnership and we are… Its just that… I didn’t plan on feeling like this towards you. I’ve… Dan, I’ve fallen in love with you.”

Only now did he look at Dan's face for some kind of response. His expression was soft: he didn’t look like Phil’s words had upset him, but otherwise it difficult to gauge what he was thinking.

“Oh, Phil.”

Dan suddenly put his arms around him, holding him close, pressing their bodies together and Phil let his hands stray to Dan’s hair, his neck, his back.

“You’re so… You’re adorable.” He said quietly into Phil’s ear. Phil felt like his skin was burning. It wasn’t a declaration of love but it was definitely not nothing. They came apart slowly and Dan lifted a hand to stroke Phil’s burning cheek. Phil let his own hands take Dan’s eager face and pull it towards his own. Their lips met and Phil finally let his inhibitions fall aside, kissing him desperately, pressing against him, tasting his mouth with a kind of hunger he had never felt before. And Dan was kissing him back, meeting his tongue with his own, his hands travelling from Phil’s waist up to his hair.

_‘It’s happening!’_ he thought. _‘Its actually happening!’_

“Wait!” said Dan, pulling apart suddenly. Phil’s heart sank.

“Did we definitely turn YouNow off?”

“Yep. The laptop’s closed.”

“Okay.” Dan smiled, getting even closer to Phil, to the point where he was now really sitting on top of him. “You can keep kissing me.”

Phil didn’t need telling twice. He pressed his lips against Dan’s again and they crashed against each other clumsily, hands moving everywhere, exploring. Phil moved on to start kissing Dan’s cheeks, his neck, and from the groaning sounds he was making, it seemed like he was enjoying it just as much as Phil was.  
It all seemed too good to be true, thought Phil. Half an hour ago they had been nothing more than friends and now Dan was taking off his shirt, flushed and sweaty, his hair messed up from Phil running his hands through it. There was a hunger in his eyes that he had never seen before, but Phil was also aware that he’d also had a lot to drink.

“Dan, are you sure about this?”

Dan lay himself down onto Phil, holding him close, rubbing his back. Phil breathed in Dan’s aftershave smell, and relished in feeling the full weight of him against his own body.

“When I’m with you I forget everything else.” said Dan, his eyes closed, still exploring Phil’s body with his hands.

Phil now closed his eyes too, his heart swelling. He felt weightless, like he was floating in space. They were two galaxies colliding in the cosmos and even if this all turned out to be some elaborate dream, it was real to him right now and that was all that mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry: I know I said I'd post on Monday, but this proved to be longer and more difficult to write than I'd anticipated.

Dan woke up with sore lips, slightly disorientated, but feeling warm and content. There was a vague ringing in his ears which usually indicated the onslaught of a headache, but he didn’t want to deal with that right now. The clock on the DVD player read 4:17am. His head was on Phil’s chest, tucked into the space between his collarbone and his chin. Phil’s arms were still wrapped tightly around him, their legs tangled together, safe and cosy. Dan listened to Phil’s rhythmic breathing as he drifted back to sleep.

The next time he woke up the clock read 8:55am. Bright sunlight was streaming into the room, and Dan had a pounding headache. Phil was gone, and by the sound of things, he was showering in the bathroom, singing a Celine Dion song very loudly.

 _Oh fuck_ , thought Dan, getting up from the couch and rubbing his eyes. His clothes were scattered around the coffee table where he had thrown them, and he started dressing very quickly. The night was coming back to him in short bursts: he remembered screaming in pleasure, Phil clutching onto his ass, leaving a trail of fingerprints from his thighs to his nipples. He remembered Phil kissing him- _everywhere_ and telling him- this surely couldn’t have happened the way he remembered?- that he was in love with him.  
He sat back down on the couch, feeling dishevelled and completely out of control. It was true. How could he have let this happen?

Phil emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, rubbing his hair with a towel.

“Morning.” He said, smiling. Dan wished he would stop looking at him like that. Like he was the greatest person on earth.

“Hi. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Yep. Hang on. Let me just find it.”

He rummaged around in one of the cupboards for a while before presenting Dan with a pill and a glass of water.

“Thanks” said Dan before gulping it down.

“So.” said Phil. The awkwardness had definitely set in again.

“D’you want me to make you something to eat? Pancakes? Bacon? Eggs? Cereal?”

In spite of himself, Dan couldn’t help letting out a weak chuckle.

“Phil, I don’t trust you not to burn any of those things.”

“Even cereal?”

“I think you could find a way.”

“I’m OK at pancakes. Honestly.”

“Alright,” agreed Dan after inspecting Phil’s face carefully. He seemed earnest enough.

Phil clapped his hands and set about busying himself in the kitchen. Dan began to wonder if they were going to talk about last night at all. It would definitely suit him if they didn’t.

“By the way. Chris is coming round in half an hour. He wants to talk about doing some sort of pre- meetup vlog. Hope that’s ok?”

He turned around from the stove to look at Dan.

“Yep. That’s fine.” He said, wondering if Chris would notice that he was wearing the exact same outfit as yesterday.

More to avoid talking than anything else, Dan asked Phil if he had any extra towels so that he could have a shower.  
When he emerged ten minutes later, the pancakes were ready on the coffee table.

“See!” said Phil, proudly. “Not burnt!”

“I’m impressed.” said Dan, sitting down and helping himself to a plate. They munched together in silence for a while, occasionally meeting each other’s eyes and quickly looking away.

“Thanks for this.” he said eventually.

Phil seemed to take his thanks as a sign that he could sit closer and put an arm around him.

“You’re welcome. D’you feel any better?”

Dan couldn’t help it. He let himself lean into Phil, breathing in that clean, just-showered soapy smell.

“Yeah… _God_ , I was so drunk last night.”

Phil kissed him on the cheek and twirled a lock of his hair between two of his fingers.

“What are we going to tell everyone? About us?”

“Erm… I don’t know…”

“No. I guess we don’t have to say anything today. I mean, its early days. I think the internet would go mad if they knew we were a couple. Best give them a bit of time.”

_“Phil…”_

Dan knew he had to burst the bubble, he couldn’t let Phil go talking any further, not with a clear conscience.

“Phil, we’re not-“

“-Don’t say it!” Phil’s eyes flashed with hurt as he removed his arm from Dan’s shoulders.

“I know what you’re about to say, but just… _Don’t_ say it.”

“Last night was great. I mean, really _really_ great, but I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.”

This wasn’t the real reason and they both knew it. It was simple and painful: Phil loved him and he didn’t love Phil. But Dan couldn’t deny the attraction and the affection he felt towards him, it was physically paining him to see Phil wringing his hands in his lap, trying hard not to look like Dan’s words had just devastated his world.

“Phil, I like you so much. I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“They won’t be.” Said Phil in a quiet voice.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“Can I hug you?”

Phil nodded and Dan inched himself closer to him, slowly. They dissolved into the hug, clutching each other as though for dear life. Time seemed to stop. Dan half-hoped it actually had. That might be easier than continuing on.  
But then the door suddenly opened and in walked Chris, as though the clock had started ticking again.

“And its- oh, YOU’RE here, Dan.” said Chris, who was for some reason holding his phone up in the air.

“And Phil, and… we’re live on periscope! _Live on periscope_ you guys!”

Taking the hint, they broke apart from each other, though Dan still held onto Phil’s arm, wanting to reassure him that it was going to be okay, somehow.

“So… say hello, you two.”

“Hi” said Dan exasperatedly and Phil gave a reluctant wave.

“Well. There you go. That’s Dan and Phil.” Said Chris. “Erm… so I’m just going to end this here, alright. Bye! And always remember: buy my merch!”

He put his phone down and covered his mouth with his hands.

“Guys? What were you doing when I walked in?”

“We were _hugging_ , that’s all.”

“Erm… Everyone on periscope is convinced that you’re dating now for some reason.”

“What the _fuck_ is periscope?” asked Dan, standing up angrily. “And why the fuck would you just walk in, filming us?”

“Phil said it would be okay!” said Chris, pointing at Phil.

“I didn’t think you would just burst in here like that!”

“Mate, how was I supposed to know you’d actually go through with the plan and get together with Dan in one night? Asking people out has never been your strong point.”

Phil put his head in his hands. Dan furrowed his brow.

“Okay, I just want to get a few things straight: me and Phil are _not_ together! And I don’t appreciate the implications here. What plan? Phil, what have you been saying to Chris about me?”

“Nothing! He… he knew that I… liked you. He encouraged me to…”

“To _what?”_

“Do something about it.”

“Right.” Dan started pacing around the room. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so angry.

“Right. So, essentially, I’ve been some sort of conquest for you since you saw me on stage?”

“No. Dan-“

“-No, its fine, I understand. Must get lonely being a full-time professional narcissist. All your precious viewers claim to love you but they cant keep you warm at night. You needed someone to fuck, and you needed someone to be your side-kick to help sell your ridiculously tacky t-shirts to teenage girls, and you found me- all of that in the one easy package! I understand now.”

“Dan, it’s really not like that.” Phil looked like he was on the verge of breaking down and Dan found that he was glad.

“I’ll tell you one thing: I am _not_ part of this ‘Dan and Phil’ fantasy that you and everyone else seems to have going on. I have my own life and I’d like to get back to it as soon as possible.”

“Dan, you’re being a bit harsh, mate.” said Chris, looking shocked.

Phil seemed to have lost his balance, swaying slightly from side to side. He looked utterly ridiculous to Dan now with his odd socks and that stupidly childish hair. It seemed mad that they had slept in each other’s arms the night before.

With nothing more to say, he left, desperate to get away from Phil and Chris, and indeed the whole ridiculous YouTube world.

 

* * *

 

 

Sophie and PJ greeted him with a wave and a wolf-whistle when he entered the flat.

“Well well well! He finally returns! What did you get up to last night eh, Dan? Anything interesting?”

“Guys I’m _really_ not in the mood for this right now.”

“Are you alright?” asked Sophie, looking suddenly concerned. PJ stopped winking and added:  
“The internet has just blown up. People are saying that they know you slept with Phil last night because Chris filmed you two _hugging_ this morning and you were wearing the same clothes as you did in the YouNow.”

Dan glared at him.

“PJ, I really couldn’t give a shit about what these fuckwits think. This _whole_ thing is stupid: oh yes let’s film every waking moment of our stupid pointless day talking about useless crap and not doing anything to help anyone.”

“Dan… What’s happened?”

“You want to know the truth? Alright, I did sleep with Phil. Because I’m a fucking idiot. Turns out he’s mainly into me for the views. I bet he orchestrated that whole thing with Chris as well. _Fuck.”_

“Dan, you’re being ridiculous.” said Sophie. The look of concern had been wiped from her face and she folded her arms, frowning at Dan.

“Phil loves you. Its obvious to everyone. And it's got nothing to do with YouTube. He’s done everything he can to help you out. He’s the sole reason we’re making rent at all.”

“And that’s driving me crazy! I don’t want to be obligated to him at all. I don’t even want to hear his name again… I just need to be alone…”

With that he fled to his room, closing the curtains and laying down on his mattress. How could his life had gone so spectacularly wrong? All he had thought about last night was how wonderful it was to have someone hold him again, someone who thought he was beautiful and good. It had made him feel like he wasn’t a failure after all. Now he just felt like someone’s trophy. And he had upset the only people in the world who still cared about him.

A deep, hollow feeling of doom was threatening to overtake him if he stayed in the grey room. Instead he took to the streets, pounding the pavements as the rain lashed against his face. Unfocused, he started wandering down an old canal street, grimly taking in the stone pavements and the desolate red brick flats. He could hear people shouting and swearing at one another from an open window. He quickened his step to get away from the noise.  
After he had been wandering for a couple of hours, drenched to the skin, he thought he’d better turn back. Sophie and PJ would be worried, and he didn’t want to cause them any more grief today.

He was about ten minutes away from the flat when he noticed a scuffle going on in an underpass. Two larger boys with skinhead haircuts were kicking a smaller boy as he lay on the ground, crying out in pain. As the boy struggled Dan realised that he recognised him as one of the kids he taught at the Youth Theatre, Michael. Blood was now streaming down his face and Dan ran towards them, panicking.

 _“Get off him!”_ he shouted. “I’m calling the police!”

The two larger kids started jeering and spitting at him. But Dan quickly took his phone out and started pressing numbers, and this seemed to make them suddenly worried. They looked at one another and started running as fast as they could, with a final cry of "Faggots!" as they bolted off round the corner and out of sight.

“Oh my _God!_ Are you alright?”

He kneeled down at Michael’s side to assess the damage. He didn’t look good. He could barely talk and his nose was obviously broken. Dan wondered if he might have a concussion.

“Alright. We need to get you to a hospital. Can you stand up? I’ll help you.”

He lifted Michael up from under the arms and helped him to his feet. Blood from his nose splattered onto the pavement and he groaned, clutching his head.

“Okay, can you walk forward a few steps? I’ll phone for a taxi.”

Michael felt very fragile in his arms. Already very small for his age of fourteen he now looked smaller still. He was shivering and crying softly.

“Its alright” said Dan. “It’ll be alright.”

In the taxi on the way to the hospital he tugged on Dan’s sleeve and said in a raspy, pained whisper:  
“ _Please,_ Dan… Don’t tell… anyone…”

“But… Michael. Those guys- they need to be punished. They cant just get away with beating someone up like that. Do you know who they were? Cause if you do we can both go to the police and-“

“-No!... Don’t tell the police!... Please… they go to my school…”

 _“Oh_. But… We need to tell someone, though. A teacher?”

“I’ve… told… a teacher… Nothing ever changes… They just beat me up… even more…”

“This isn’t right. You shouldn’t have to put up with it. What happened tonight?”

Michael screwed up his eyes and tried to catch a drip of blood with his hands

“They saw me… kissing a boy… They always thought I was… But I didn’t even _know_ I was… ”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with kissing a boy. Nothing at all. I’ve kissed my fair share.”

Michael smiled weakly.

“But you’re grown up… You don’t have to deal… with school…”

“No.” agreed Dan. “But it will end, sooner than you think. And you’re going to be an actor, aren’t you?”

“I… hope so…”

“I know it. You’re really talented. You’ll have me out of a job.”

 

* * *

 

 

In the hospital they were rushed to an emergency room when the receptionist caught sight of Michael’s ashen, bloody face. He was also passing in and out of consciousness, being propped up by Dan, who had to be persuaded to hand him over to the paramedics, after assuring him that he’d be the first to know when there were any changes in his condition.  
He sat down in the waiting room, completely stunned by how the day had turned out. He couldn’t stop thinking about Michael’s fragile, broken face and the sight of him, crumpled on the ground. He felt helpless at the thought of him going back to school on Monday, and having to face the two attackers again. The blue, clinical waiting room walls felt as though they were closing in on him. The clock in the corner was ticking almost invasively loudly.

“You have to let me in! You _have_ to!”

Dan suddenly heard a very familiar voice coming from one of the corridors. There was a commotion, and the sound of screams as though somebody was being constrained against their will.

“I’m sorry sweetheart. You’re not family.”

_“She doesn’t have any family!”_

It was Phil. Inexplicably, Phil was here, and he sounded scared, sad and angry all at the same time.

“I know, I _know._ Phil I just _cant._ You know the trouble I got into last time. I’d lose my job and I’ve got three kids to feed. I’m so sorry.”

Dan couldn’t see what was happening and he couldn’t hear anything anymore. He looked at the floor, not wanting to seem as though he was prying, as Phil came into the waiting room.

_“Dan?”_

He looked up. Phil was paler than he’d ever seen him, his usually happy demeanour turned grim, his mouth a tight line of worry.

“Yeah. Hi.” said Dan slowly as though he was a cat, not wanting to startle him.

Gingerly, Phil walked forward and took a seat two places away from Dan. It made him grimace inwardly. He was obviously hurting terribly and the sight of Dan was making it worse.

“Phil… I don’t really know what’s going on… And you don’t have to tell me. But... about earlier… I feel so terrible about what I said and-”

“-you’re bleeding!” said Phil, suddenly, looking at a dark patch of red on Dan’s white jumper.

 _“Oh!_ No, its not mine. It’s… one of the kids I teach at the Youth Theatre. I found him being beat up by these two guys. So I brought him here.”

Phil nodded and said:“I hope he’s alright.”

“I’m just worried about his head… Internal bleeding and all that… If those guys gave him permanent brain damage… I don’t know… I feel like I could kill them.”

Phil nodded again, shuddering in his seat. He began tapping on his leg nervously, with a vacant stare.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” He said finally.  
“This is the fifth time she’s done it.”

“Who?”

“Mara.”

“… Who’s Mara?”

“She’s my oldest friend. She’s like my sister. She got me started on YouTube. She promoted me when no one else would. She’s basically the reason I’m where I am today.”

“And… what did she do?”

“Tried to kill herself… She’s…” Phil sighed deeply.

“She’s bipolar and I’ve been getting her the treatment she needs. I thought she was doing really well in the past few months. She got a job and she got into a new relationship and she just seemed really happy… But it turns out this guy was just an arsehole and he took all of her money and spent it on drugs. She lost the job because she couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, she was too sad. She lost the flat. So I guess she just thought there was nothing else… Apparently she did try to call me last night before she did it but I was… Well, you know... My phone was off…”

Dan sat silently for a moment, trying to process all of this. He desperately wanted to go and sit close to Phil and cuddle him, for his own benefit as much as Phil’s. He needed the comfort, but it wouldn’t be fair. He didn’t want to imply anything by it, or make it seem as though he was doing it out of pity. Instead, he settled for moving to the seat next to him and patting his shoulder. It felt like a desperately hollow gesture. But Phil gave him a feeble smile.

“I’m sorry.” He said, hoping Phil knew that he meant it.

“I suppose there’s nothing to do now but wait.”

The clock seemed to get louder again, as though it had burrowed its way into Dan’s brain and would never stop ticking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grim. I know. Blame Elizabeth Gaskell.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a while: sorry. I am trying to upload at least one chapter per week. I also seem to have a chronic inability to write short chapters. (excuses, excuses)

For the second night in a row now Phil had fallen asleep next to Dan. At some point during the long wait they had both drifted off and now Phil’s head was resting on Dan’s shoulder, their bodies leaning in towards each other in an uneasy sleep.  
Suddenly someone was tapping him on the shoulder.

“Phil, sweetheart?”

It was Nurse Andrea, her eyes narrowed in concern.

“Is she alright?” he said, jerking forwards.

“Yes, she’ll be alright… She’ll heal from this one, but I don’t know how many more times she can put her body through this without…”

“I know… I know. Can I see her?”

“Yes, but be gentle. She doesn’t need any stimulation at this point.”

“Of course.” he said, getting up. Dan remained asleep, his body lolling onto the chair slightly in the absence of Phil.

“Is he your boyfriend? He’s lovely.” said Andrea, her head tilted to the side as she observed the sleeping Dan.

“No” said Phil, unable to keep the wistfulness from his voice.

Apparently Nurse Andrea noticed his tone because she patted him on the back and said: “Well. More fool him, darling.”

He couldn’t bring himself to reply. Mara was waiting for him.  
He entered the room slowly and found a small girl with her face hidden behind a thin hospital sheet, an IV drip attached to her arm.

“Mara? It’s me.”

The figure behind the sheet moved slightly, and let out a sob. Then she let the covers fall and Phil took in her narrow, pale face, her thin lifeless yellow hair and her bloodshot eyes, which were staring at a fixed point behind him.

He approached the bed slowly and sat down on the chair next to her.

“Can I hold your hand?”

She nodded without looking at him, so he took her small hand in his. It was freezing.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.” he said, his voice cracking slightly.

“I don’t know why.” Her voice was tiny, like a faraway echo. “I don’t know why you still put up with me.”

“I don’t just _put up_ with you. I love you.”

The words seemed to break her down even more. Silent tears streamed down her face and she squeezed Phil’s hand.

“What am I going to do now, Phil? I just wanted to disappear.”

Phil wished he could show her how she looked inside his mind: his picture of that funny, fiercely intelligent, daring young woman with the pink dip-dyed hair he had first met ten years ago. It was her that had cajoled him into making his first video. She had literally pushed him into frame, giggling: “Guys, this is Phil, I mean AMAZING PHIL. And I know what you’re thinking girls, but he’s gay, alright and believe me, I did check.”  
She had saved him from the loneliness, from the mundanity of working in his father’s shop all of his life. They had filmed crazy skits and pranks and laughed until their cheeks were sore. They had told each other every secret and shared every thought to the point where Phil didn’t know where he ended and she began.  
She was still the same person to him, just thinner and sadder, and horribly distant, even though she was right in front of him.

“You cant just… disappear, Mara. You cant leave the world without anybody noticing.”

Tears still streamed down her cheeks, her eyes screwed up in pain.

“It hurts so much to be alive.”

Phil put his arms around her tiny frame.

“That feeling will end. I know it will. Someday you’ll be glad you stayed.”

“When?” she asked, sobbing into his chest.

“I don’t know. But it’ll be sooner than you think.”

“I feel like I’ve ruined my life forever.”

“You’re still here. Your life is only ruined when it’s gone.”

“I have nowhere to live. And no money.”

“Stay with me for as long as you need to. I want you to stay.”

“I cant keep asking you for things… I already feel like I owe you so much.”

“You don’t owe me anything. We’re in this together, remember? And I’m asking you: please stay with me? Please?”

“Yes. Thankyou.” She let out a faint ghost of a smile but it was enough to make Phil’s heart swell.

“So when can I take you home?”

Before she answered, they heard a voice calling out from the corridor.

“Phil? _Phil!?”_ It was Dan. Phil gave Mara’s hand another squeeze and left the room to see what he wanted.

“Oh! There you are, I was worried that you’d gone. Are you okay? How is she?”

“I’m… I’ve been better. She’s stable. She’s going to be alright… physically.”

“Right. Well that’s good. About her condition I mean. So…”

Dan was wringing his hands nervously. Phil wanted to hate him, he wanted all of the feelings he had felt so strongly over the past five months to dissipate entirely, but it was impossible. Even after the harsh words of the morning, and the fact that Dan was looking completely bedraggled with enormous dark circles under his eyes, he still ached to touch him and be with him, perhaps now more than ever.

“… So Michael’s okay they think. No brain damage, just a concussion.”

“That’s good. I’m glad he’s alright.”

“Yeah. So I said I’d come and pick him up tomorrow. But then I realised I don’t have a car, so…”

“I’ll drive you.”

“Thanks Phil” he said, briefly putting his hand on Phil’s arm and smiling that big adorable dimply smile.

“I called his parents but they just couldn’t care less. I can’t believe it.”

“Some people are like that, I suppose.”

“Yeah” said Dan, his brow furrowed, clearly agitated. “Well, I’m just heading off. Are you staying here tonight?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll just get going.” He turned to leave but then seemed to hesitate, swivelling around awkwardly. “Phil… If you need anything. If you just need to talk. I’m here, alright?”

He didn’t really want to talk to Dan, he wanted a lot more, and that was the underlying problem. Still, it was more than he could’ve expected, given the events of the morning and so he settled for mumbling his thanks and waving his fingers at him as he left.  
Mara was sleeping when he re-entered her room and Nurse Andrea said that this was a good sign. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and fell asleep for the second time that night.

 

* * *

 

 

In the morning they let him take her home and he set up the sofa bed in the living room, made some pancakes and started editing his latest video as she slept. Chris had called numerous times to apologise for his intrusion the previous day, but Phil could barely bring himself to care about that anymore. The inevitability of his and Dan’s relationship amounting to nothing more than a one night stand had always been in the back of his mind, but now that it had played out exactly like that, he could scarcely believe her had ever expected anything else, even for a fleeting moment. And now they seemed to have gone back to the way things were before, but Phil didn’t know how much longer he could handle that. The videos, the meetings, the YouNows; it was all too much, too painful.

Still, when Dan texted him to ask about the lift he had promised him, he dropped his editing immediately and made Mara promise that she was going to be alright for half an hour, and to call him immediately if she needed him, then left the flat to find Dan waiting in the hallway.

“Are you sure this is alright? I could get a taxi.”

“She’s sleeping. Its fine.”

In the car on the way to the hospital a silence started to build to the point where it became torturous.

“So… when is the Youtube convention again?” asked Dan, finally.

“You still want to go to that?”

“Of course! I want to meet all of our fans.”

“Its next Friday.”

“Cool.”

The silence became deafening again and stayed that way until they reached the hospital. When they found Michael he had a bandage on his leg and had received eighteen stitches in his head but he otherwise appeared to be ecstatic.

“Amazingphil!” he said after Dan had greeted him. “Oh my God! This is _so_ cool!”

“Hi. You’re a subscriber?” smiled Phil.

“I’ve been subscribed since the beginning!” he said, breathless with excitement. “I’ve seen every single one of your videos! Can I have your autograph please, Phil? If its not too much trouble?”

“Of course!” said Phil, beaming with pleasure. “D’you have a pen?”

“Here, I think I’ve got one,” said Dan, fumbling around in his pocket. “Hey, don’t you want my autograph as well, Michael? I’m in the videos as well now you know.”

“Sorry, Dan,” he grinned as Phil signed his name on a small piece of paper that Dan had retrieved from his pocket, adding a smiley face for good measure. “But come back when you actually make the videos!”

“Well!” said Dan, pretending to be offended.

“Yeah, there you are, Dan, listen to Michael. How many videos have you made on your channel again? Oh yeah, that’s right, _zero.”_

“Phil, please, you’re just terrified I’d overtake you in subscribers if I started filming stuff.”

He elbowed Phil in the ribs, laughing. For a moment it was as though the events of the other day had never happened. The spark was back and it was as though the world was floating away and only the two of them remained.

“Brilliant! You two are exactly like you are in the videos!” said Michael, bringing him back down to earth.

They grinned at one another, sheepishly and then took Michael home, Dan ensuring him that he was to contact him if he had any problems at home or at school the following day. When they left him at the door of his block of flats Phil thought he saw Dan’s lower lip wobble slightly, as though he was about to cry.

“He’ll be alright, Dan,” he said, watching Dan’s face carefully.

“I hope so. I really do,” he turned to look at Phil, who immediately looked away, starting the car again for the drive home. “He was really pleased to meet you.”

Phil smiled and Dan continued:  
“You seem to have had quite an effect on his life.”

“I think… people feel like they know you… When they’ve watched your videos, especially if its over a long period of time. Its quite an intimate thing, really.”  
He found his face was heating up slightly. He hoped that Dan wouldn’t take this as an interpretation of his own former viewership of Phil’s videos.

“I think I understand what you mean… Phil, we’re still going to make videos together, aren’t we?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is.”

Phil hoped Dan wasn’t still looking at him, because he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at these words.  
In the hallway they made plans to meet up the following day and film their next video, and with that Phil was left with the sense that he was very much back to where he had started with Dan: hopelessly and uncontrollably in love, and unable to do anything about it.

 

 

As soon as he entered his flat he heard Dan’s voice again. Mara was watching one of his videos, propped up on the sofa bed, a large cup of tea in one hand and an ipad in the other.

“Phil, I love him.”

Resigned, Phil flopped down next to her and took a look at the screen. She was watching a Sims gaming video and Dan was jokingly admonishing Phil on his choice of curtains for their virtual house.

“He’s not all that” said real-life Phil but the Phil in the small screen was betraying his words by staring at Dan with an obvious kind of longing.

“Alright, I love him too,” he sighed.

Mara snuggled next to Phil, resting her head on his arm.

“I know you shouldn’t read too much into these videos, but I could swear he feels exactly the same about you. The way he _looks_ at you...”

“Well… I know for a fact that he doesn’t.”

“What? Come on, Phil, you’re way too hard on yourself.”

“I’m not. We… slept together. Night before last. And it was wonderful. And then we woke up and he pretty much said that it was fun but he didn’t want a relationship with me. So… that’s that.”

Mara snuggled closer, taking in the small Dan and Phil on the screen in quiet consideration.

“No, I don’t think that’s it,” she said eventually. “I just have a feeling about it.”

Phil smiled.

“Remember the time you said you were psychic and you predicted that an elephant was going to escape from London zoo and walk around Trafalgar square?”

“And I was right! An elephant _did_ escape!”

“It was a _lion!_ And it was from _Colchester_ zoo, not London. You had your subscribers all terrified to leave their houses after that. Remember you made that other prediction: they were convinced that the moon was going to crash into the earth. I remember one guy messaging me in a panic, asking me if it was true and if he should start building an underground bunker.”

“The moon _was_ particularly big that night. I think I was onto something. God, I do miss it sometimes, Phil.”

“You could start again.”

“I’m not up to it. What the hell would I talk about now: ‘hi remember me, I used to be popular ten years ago and now I’m a huge suicidal mess.’”

“Rubbish. People still ask me about you all the time. You could come to the YouTube convention with us. Its next week.”

“I don’t know, Phil,” she sighed, closing her eyes and lying back onto the sofa. Phil covered her with a blanket and decided not to press the issue. She was still so painfully fragile but at least she was here, safe within sight.

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next week life continued on much as it had in the previous months. Dan and Phil made videos together. PJ had started making a film and so they were left to film most of their videos on their own. Not wanting to leave Mara for very long, Phil suggested they just use the flat rather than the YouTube studio and Dan had agreed; his schedule was becoming quite busy as his radio character was being given a very prominent storyline.

“Phil, I think they’re _actually_ going to kill me” he admitted. It was the day before the YouTube convention and they had decided to film a little video to tell everyone what to expect. Phil had set up the camera on the kitchen counter and Dan was now leaning over the sink, pensively.

“You said that last time.”

“I know but how many more accidents can this guy get in before he actually dies? Anyway… where’s Mara?”

“She’s helping PJ and Sophie with their film.”

“Oh _good!_ That’s excellent!”

Dan beamed. He and Mara had gotten along famously since they had met a few days ago and Phil had been struck by the gentleness of their friendship. It was odd they way everything about Dan just sort of… fell into place in his life. If he couldn’t be with him in the way that he wanted, perhaps he could settle for being _with_ him, almost every waking second of the day. It was unhealthy, almost certainly, but to hell with it. Life offered few joys and he wasn’t going to deny himself this one.

 

  
The day of the YouTube convention dawned on a dark, frosty November morning, and Phil, PJ, Sophie, Chris, Dan and Mara all squeezed themselves into Phil’s tiny Fiat car, ready for the adventure.

“Owwww!” said Chris from the backseat. “Someone’s sitting on me! Oh, its Dan. Never mind. As you were, mate.”

“Urgh, Chris your knee is jutting into me,” said Mara.

“Listen everybody, I apologise for my limbs, alright! We really need to step up our video game you guys, this isn’t right. We should have a stretch limo, and a couple of bodyguards. PJ make sure your film is a good one alright. We’re all counting on you.”

“Oh, speaking of which… Dan, guess who we just cast in one of the lead parts?” asked PJ.

“Who?”

“Michael. You know- _Michael!”_

“Oh my God!”

“He’s amazing isn’t he, Sophie?”

Sophie, who was sitting in the front seat next to Phil, nodded, adding:  
“He actually made me and Mara cry in his audition.”

Phil fumbled around with the CD player as they waited at some red lights.

“Phiiiiil!”

“Are you _kidding_ me right now?”

The pokemon theme tune came on at full blast, alongside a series or groans and protests from the back of the car.

“You don’t like this?!” Phil shouted over the din. “I’ve got a Celine Dion greatest hits if you’d prefer?!”

“LEAVE IT ON!”

 

 

The Manchester convention centre was an enormous converted train station, which now had ample space for crowds and gatherings. They parked round at the back entrance, where there was already a long line of people waiting.

“Okay, everyone ready?” asked Phil, looking round at the five excited faces. “Let’s go.”

The screaming began almost immediately as they left the car, as a couple of girls clocked them from the queue.

“DAAAN!! PHIIILL!! WE LOVE YOU!”

They waved over at them and the girls blew a kiss back.

“Why do I get the feeling I’m going to be the invisible man today?” said Chris. As if on cue, someone else shouted:  
“CHRIS! WHY D’YOU NEVER UPLOAD ANYMORE?!”

“Alright, lets go in” said Chris sharply, quickly ushering them all towards a side door where there was an official- looking man waiting for them with a clipboard.

 

The day was a blur of excitement; clasped hands and whispered thanks, tears and hugs and selfies: so many selfies.

  
He and Dan had a table to themselves and a queue that stretched out further than he could see. Each person who approached them seemed to quiver with nervousness and he marvelled again and again at the responses they got. Dan, too was visibly moved by the effect they were having on people, carefully inspecting each piece of art and each little craft they were given as though they were precious gems.

“So this is me and Phil riding on a dinosaur? With a giant cactus in the background?”

He was speaking to a very small girl with freckles and long red hair that she was using as a sort of curtain to hide behind.

“Yes.” she squeaked.

“I love it. Phil, look at the _shading_ on this.”

“Fantastic! That must have taken you hours.”

They hugged her and she seemed to melt into them.

“Can I get a selfie as well?”

“Of course!”

The next person in the queue looked quite familiar to Phil: a larger girl with short blue hair and a nose piercing, she was wearing a Dan and Phil hoodie, and clutching a camera.

“Have we met before?”

She smiled nervously.

“We… we met last year. I’m Megan.”

“Oh my God!” said Dan suddenly, dropping his pen and gripping Phil’s arm.

“Meganthephangirl?”

“Y-yes”

Dan punched the air and ran forwards to hug her.

“I _love_ you! Phil, wasn’t I just saying yesterday- I hope Megan turns up- you’re so dedicated- I see your comments all the time!”

“Yeah, don’t tell anyone,” whispered Phil, joining in the hug. “but I think you might actually be our number one fan.”

She looked almost overwhelmed by this but managed to control herself, blinking back tears and saying:  
“I just wanted to say…I’ve been going through some really hard times this year. Knowing I had your videos to look forward to really helped me out when I was down. Thank you both… so much.”

They hugged her again, clutching her close. Phil thought he could feel Dan’s chest heaving. “Thank _you”_ he said, his voice full of emotion.

 

* * *

 

 

They took a break after five hours, going off into a little side room, armed with a bagful of pictures and little gifts. Dan sat down in one of the plastic seats and rubbed his eyes.

“You alright?” asked Phil, going to take one of the plastic cups of coke which had been left out for them on a table.

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“D’you want a coke?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Phil.”

He took the cup that Phil handed him and sipped from it slowly.

“I just cant get over this.” He said, shaking his head. “I know its stupid but I guess I didn’t realise that people were actually _watching_ the videos.”

“The first time I came to one of these I was the same. I felt really… unworthy. Of all the praise. All the attention. I still do to be honest.”

“-Oh _here_ you are!” Mara walked into the room looking flustered. “I’ve looked everywhere for you two!” She sat down in between them.  
“Its your Q and A in ten minutes. Dan, how are you holding up?”

“I feel like I’m about to melt into an emotional puddle on the floor, but otherwise- fine.”

“I cant believe how many people are here. Phil, remember the first one?”

“Yeah, honestly it seemed like there were about twelve of us.”

“And six of the twelve were YouTubers. This is just unreal. I even got people queuing up to speak to _me_ \- I haven’t made a video in five years.”

“You didn’t delete your account though, Mara.” Phil grinned. “Once a YouTuber always a YouTuber.”

 

 

The question and answer session garnered such a large crowd that Phil took it upon himself to ask one of the officials if they had turned up to the wrong place. After being assured that no, indeed the large crown was for them, they took seats at the centre of a small raised platform and Chris took the mic. They had agreed that Chris would travel round the crowd accepting questions for them to answer from various fans.

“Right,” said Chris, standing in front of them. “I’m Chris aka Crabsticks on YouTube, merch available at bandcamp.com, twenty percent off this weekend.” He winked at the crowd then continued. “But I know what you’re all here for- I know you want to get into the nitty gritty of what makes Dan and Phil tic. And before you ask that _particular_ question- just DON’T. Alright? Ambiguity is the vlogger's bread and butter”

The crowd roared in response. Phil was already beginning to regret their decision to let Chris emcee, but Dan was laughing too and the atmosphere was just infectious.

Over the next two hours they answered questions ranging from the mundane (“What’s your favourite breakfast food?”  
“Frosties” said Phil promptly.  
“Pancakes” said Dan without hesitation.) to the profound (“What is the meaning of life, in your opinion?”  
“Make people happy, and that includes yourself” was Phil’s response.  
“Leave something behind, something to inspire others, or just help them feel less alone in some way.” Dan had said, after much consideration.)

They had played a very heated game of Pictionary which was projected onto a screen behind them, during which Dan had mistaken Phil’s drawing of an orange as the face of a clown, leading to several people breaking down in hysterics. Dan also had a surprise ready for everyone, including Phil: he had found the old picture of himself as a teenager, sporting an almost identical haircut and outfit choice as the younger Phil.

“I told you! Look what you made me do!” he grinned as they both looked up at young Dan on the screen.

“Hey, I think its an improvement!”

After they had sung an impromptu song about Delia Smith, PJ took to the stage to show a clip from his new film, ’Demons’.

“It’s about the seedy underworld of a small-town which has become possessed by strange humanoid monsters.”

Unsurprisingly, the clip, which featured a man with a horn bursting out of his forehead, and a high speed supermarket trolley case, received a standing ovation from the crowd.

“Alright!” said Chris after the noise had died down a little “We’ve just got time for _one_ more question for Dan and Phil. Come on, no pressure, but let’s make it a good one… Okay, you with the blue hair!”

Megan leaned into the microphone, waving at Dan and Phil.

“Who’s your personal favourite YouTuber?” she asked.

“Right…" said Phil, leaning forwards in his chair. "My favourite YouTuber- my answer never changes for this one- MaraExplains!”

The crowd cheered and Mara, who was standing at the side of the stage waved Phil away, though she beamed with pleasure.

“Dan?”

“My favourite YouTuber is AmazingPhil. There’s absolutely no contest.” Dan turned to look at him wearing a heartbreakingly sincere expression of pure happiness. The room was now so loud that Phil feared the ceiling may cave in.

 

Later on in the car Chris said he saw two people faint dead away at Dan’s words but Phil suspected he was exaggerating just a tad.

 

They all crowded into Phil’s flat for some pizza and beer as a post- convention celebration, and after everyone but Mara had left, they settled down to watch an anime until she fell asleep.

Phil switched off the television and covered her with a blanket.  
If he could have paused time right there and then, he would have considered it. It had been one of those entirely beautiful, perfect days that only came along once in a blue moon. The problem was, he thought with sudden foreboding as he climbed into his empty bed, in his experience this was usually the precursor to some kind of trouble.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains a major spoiler for the anime 'Death Note'.

Dan was in a very dull radio meeting and he wasn’t really listening to anything that was being said. The writers had already assured him that his character wasn’t dying anytime soon and he couldn’t bring himself to pay attention to anything else. He let his thoughts drift to the video that he and Phil had just made. After the success of the question and answer session at the YouTube convention, they had decided to film a similar video in the smaller venue of Phil’s living room. For reasons he couldn’t quite remember, they had ended up drawing cat whiskers on each other’s faces, and Dan had spent most of the morning washing the marker pen off his face. They had acted out a couple of the ridiculous scenarios that viewers had sent in and at one point Dan found himself pretending to be a giant Dorito crisp ‘dipping’ himself (ie. nudging his head) into the ‘salsa’ that was Phil, crouching on the sofa. It had been ridiculously undignified and he couldn’t really remember the last time he’d had so much fun.

“…So the BBC will make an announcement about it on Thursday, the open auditions are on Saturday. Filming should begin at the end of the month.” Dan’s ears perked up.

“There’s a very good chance that the casting agents will want you as your characters but you do need to try out for it, guys, there are no shortcuts here. This is going to be a massive production. BBC Two bosses are desperate for a new flagship show. This could make it to Netflix as well. We’ve already got some great writers on board. Steven Moffat is going to be involved in some capacity. Think of it everyone- this is a great opportunity. It’ll be a bit different from the show, but it’ll be on prime time TV.”

Suddenly Dan’s brain was catching up with what he had just heard. They were adapting the radio show into a television drama-and there was a very good chance that he’d get one of the leading parts.

“When are the actors auditions, Adam, sorry?” he asked the radio producer, hoping he hadn’t just told them that information.

“You guys get yourselves down to the BBC Manchester studios at nine am sharp tomorrow morning.”

Damn. He was supposed to be filming something with Phil tomorrow. Oh well. He’d understand.

Adam shook everyone by the hand and all of the voice actors excitedly left the meeting. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror in the lift on the way out of the building, Dan was half- irritated and half- amused to notice that he still had half a whisker left on his cheek.

“You’re trying out, right, Dan?” asked one of his co-workers, Melanie.

“Absolutely. We already know all the lines. I’m not pinning any hopes on it though.”

“You’ll get it, honey.” She said, smiling a rather smug smile. “People like you always do. It’s people like me that stay on the radio”

He didn’t quite know how to react to this, and he didn’t really care for her condescending tone either, so he just walked more quickly to get away from her, taking out his phone and dialling Phil’s number. He picked up on the second ring.

“Hi!”

“Hi you! So- bad news and good news.”

“Good news first” said Phil.

“I might land a television role. They’re adapting the radio drama to TV”

“Oh wow, that’s brilliant! What’s the bad news?”

“The auditions are tomorrow morning. Sorry Phil, I know we were going to film that video.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. We can do it later on.”

“I’m actually a bit nervous about this, you know. What if I’m actually… just a bit shit? Sometimes I think people only cast me for my looks. I know that sounds conceited but… ”

He stopped walking for a moment and pressed the phone closer to his ear, needing some comfort.

“You’re a great actor, Dan. I mean I won’t lie: you’re not exactly tough to look at either. But you really… capture someone’s essence in your performance: not many people can do that.”

“Thanks Phil.” It was a deeply inadequate response for the total relief he felt at hearing Phil’s words, even if he knew deep down that a part of them stemmed from Phil’s feelings towards him. He had never known anyone so profoundly sincere in his life.

“Good luck tomorrow. Talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah. Take care, Phil.”

 

* * *

 

 

The audition the next morning went as well as Dan could have hoped it would. He made sure he was completely whisker-free and dressed in his smartest black suit jacket. In his pocket he clutched one of the fan-drawings someone had given him at the YouTube convention for good luck. He had tried to forget himself as he let the words he had stored in his head take over his mouth and his body.

 

Talking it over later on with Phil, he considered for the first time the idea that he might actually get the part.

“It was probably the most free I’ve felt in an audition actually. I guess I just thought what have I got to lose.”

“And the producers seemed to like it?”

“I think so. It’s always so hard to tell… Phil, what if I get it?”

They were alone in his flat, ostensibly filming a new video but really just talking, the camera left forgotten in the corner. Mara was out with PJ and Sophie filming scenes for PJ’s film. Dan knew Phil was trying not to let out what he was really feeling.

“If you get it then that’s great.”

“It would be a full time commitment though... I don’t think I’d be able to make the videos anymore.”

Phil turned his back to him, suddenly concerned with making a cup of tea.

“D’you want a cup?”

“Phil?”

“I’ve got Tetley’s, chai, English breakfast-“

“-Phil, did you hear what I said?”

“I heard you, Dan.” he filled the kettle with water, his tone sad but his face expressionless.

 

They didn’t talk about it for the rest of the night, instead filming a gaming video then just settling down to watch another couple of episodes of 'Death Note' together on the sofa with a large bag of crisps between them.

“NO!” cried Dan after they had finished watching episode twenty five. “No! He _can’t_ be dead!” he clutched at Phil’s sleeve, willing it not to be true. “I’m not watching anymore! This is unacceptable!”

“You’re really not watching anymore? Don’t you want to know how it all ends?” asked Phil who looked sympathetic but was grinning at the same time.

“What’s the point? He was my favourite character!” Phil started to laugh and Dan punched him gently on the shoulder.

“It wasn’t just that: I liked the way the two of them interacted _together.”_

“Well” said Phil, rubbing his shoulder where Dan had hit him. “There’s always fan fiction for that. Hey, look!”

He pointed at the window. It had started to snow. Thick, heavy flakes were cascading through the air. They both walked over to the window and watched the sky for a while in comfortable silence.

Until Phil’s phone rang. Sighing, he took it out of his pocket. “Hello?... Yep, hang on, I’ll be there in twenty minutes… No, its fine, honestly.”

He hung up the phone and started to put his jacket on.

“Sorry, I said I’d give everyone a lift home. They’ve wrapped filming for the day.”

Dan had a strange urge to tag along with him, but dismissed it, bidding Phil goodbye and going back to his own flat. It occurred to him that he rarely spent much time in here at all anymore. PJ had stuck a number of storyboards up on the wall around the kitchen, and the floor was littered with weird props and costumes. Nudging a giant pair of sunglasses to the side, he sat down at the table and took his phone out, willing it to ring. The casting agents had said they would get back to him within the next few days, so it was probably stupid that his heart was beating and his palms were sweating as though the phone was about to ring at any second.

He was unaware of any time passing when Sophie and PJ stumbled in, switching on the overhead kitchen light.

“Dan! _Jesus_ , you gave me a fright!”

“Sorry.”

“Waiting for a phone call? Oh- the audition! How did it go?” PJ sat down next to him and Sophie started rummaging around in the fridge.

“Good- I think. I’m just waiting to find out. How did the filming go?”

“Excellent. Just a few more scenes to shoot, then we’re done. We’ve got a car chase bit we’re doing tomorrow. I’ve always wanted to film something like that.” PJ put his head in his arms, happily exhausted.

“Guys, what kind of dinner can I make out of a tin of beans, one sausage and half an avocado?” asked Sophie, head still in the fridge.

“Not a good one, Soph.”

“Hm. Let’s order a Chinese, then. Dan, you in?”

“Nah, I’m not hungry. I had loads of crisps with Phil earlier.”

“Does Phil know about your… possible TV role? I mean it’s going to affect your videos, right?”

“Yeah. You know Phil- I think he’s sad but he’s being really supportive… But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the worst part. That I’d have to move back to London. I mean, that’s where it’s being filmed.”

 _“Right”_ said PJ, looking worried. “That _is_ … Well, but Dan you’ve got to do it. This is your dream. Phil will be okay. Right, Sophie?” She nodded, but looked unconvinced.

“Listen, let’s not jump the gun here. I don’t even know if I’ve got the part so I’ll just… I’ll deal with it _if_ it happens.”

He put his phone back into his pocket as though to emphasise his choice, determined not to check it for the rest of the night unless it actually rang.

He lasted less than ten minutes.

 _'This is going to be a long couple of days'_ he thought as he lay in bed later that night.

 

* * *

 

 

At least he had the distraction of working at the Youth Theatre the following day. The snow had fallen all throughout the night and now the streets of Manchester were white and glistening in the morning light. They were supposed to be working on a read through of ‘Macbeth’, but Michael spent most of the morning enthusing about his part in PJ’s film, and he was so excited that Dan couldn’t bring himself to tell him to stop.

“PJ said he’s going to submit it to one of the film festivals next year! And if it does well he wants us all to tour it around the place- imagine, Dan!”

“I’m imagining,” said Dan, amused, his copy of ‘Macbeth’ lying uselessly on his lap. “And from what I’ve seen so far, I think it’s going to be incredible. I’m really proud of what you’ve achieved, Michael.”

He looked like he was going to burst with pride.

“Really ?”

“Absolutely. I told you that you were going to be an actor someday. But it’s already happened. When do your scenes wrap?”

“Day after tomorrow. I don’t want it to end!”

“Well. Then you’ve got the premiere to look forward to. And don’t forget you’re playing King Duncan next month… Speaking of which! Come on, everyone, lets start.”

The rest of the teenagers, who had been hanging around the stage, talking and messing about now gathered around Dan, who finally opened his book. It so felt gratifying to have people listen to him and pay such close attention to his praise and his words of advice. He didn’t want to think of the possibility of leaving Michael and everyone else behind if he actually landed the TV role.

 _‘I’ll deal with it if it happens, if it happens’_ he thought, trying to focus in on the words that the students were saying instead of the knot of worry forming in his chest.

 

 

When he arrived back at the flat later that evening he decided to take a long shower to cleanse the grime of the day away. He took his time, relishing the freedom from the oppressive weight of his phone in his pocket. When he finally emerged, half an hour later, smelling of Sophie’s various Lush products, the first thing he saw was that he had one missed call. Typical.

He didn’t want to get his hopes up though- it was probably just a scam call as he didn’t recognise the number. Trying to ignore the way his heartrate was now racing, he towelled himself dry and got dressed, then finally picked up the phone again. Before he could dial, it promptly started ringing of its own accord, making him jump. It was the same number again- this had to be it.

He took a deep breath and answered. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Dan Howell?” It was a woman’s voice and it sounded vaguely familiar to Dan.

“Yes.”

“Dan… My name is Andrea. I’m a nurse at Manchester Royal Infirmary. I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but there’s been a terrible accident.”

“An accident?” said Dan, his brain wasn’t quite computing the information.

“Three of your friends have been involved in a car accident. I believe they were shooting a scene for a film and there was a head on collision with a drunk driver.” Dan felt as though he was suddenly underwater, panicking and unable to breathe.

“- are they- _dead?”_ he chocked.

“Sophie Newton and Mara Lindsay are in a stable condition right now. But PJ Liguori… I’m afraid he’s critical. The doctors are doing all they can. But he may not have a lot of time left.”

“I’m coming.” He clicked off the phone and dashed out of the room, slipping on his boots and not bothering with a coat before tearing out of the flat and knocking on Phil’s door.

“Phil! _PHIL!”_

Phil opened the door, white as a sheet with his jacket on and his car keys already in hand.

“You heard. Does Chris know?” asked Dan.

He nodded and said: “I think he’s gone off somewhere: he can’t handle stuff like this” but he didn’t stop to elaborate further, closing the door behind him and breaking into a jog, Dan following behind him.

They made the journey to the hospital in terrified silence. Dan still felt as though he couldn’t breathe properly. He was taking in short gulps of air and gripping onto the side of the car for dear life.

 

The hospital waiting room was too bright, far too bright. And there was that _fucking_ clock again. Dan wanted to tear it down from the wall. He couldn’t decide if it felt better to pace around the room or do as Phil was doing and sit down, putting his head down onto his knees and covering his eyes with his hands. She had told them she would come back when there was any news, but why was it taking so long? After nearly tripping over a child’s toy which he hadn’t noticed lying on the floor, Dan decided to sit down next to Phil, who was muttering, almost inaudibly: _“Please, please, please”_

He took one of Phil’s hands. “I can’t stand this.” he said.

Phil didn’t look up. His eyes were squeezed shut but he gripped Dan’s hand back very tightly.

_“Please, please, please.”_

 

When they finally heard footsteps from the corridor they stood up, Dan clutching Phil’s arm desperately.

He could tell before she started speaking that PJ was dead. He crashed his face into Phil’s chest, wrapping his arms around him, unable to stand, unable to look at the nurse’s terrible expression, or at the funeral blue hospital walls anymore. Somehow, Phil was holding him up and addressing Nurse Andrea, asking her questions, his voice thick with tears.

“What happened?”

“Apparently the street had been closed off for filming. But some drunken idiot- he’s in custody right now- decided to drive down it anyway. PJ had his head out of the window, in the driver’s seat and they skidded in the snow. This guy hit them head on at full speed. PJ took most of the hit. The doctors did all they could for him, but he’d just lost too much blood.”

“And? Mara and Sophie- are they going to be alright?”

“They’re unconscious right now- they’ve been heavily sedated. But they’ll make full recoveries. They should regain consciousness some time tomorrow and we’ll talk to them… Poor dears… Poor Sophie…”

“Do his parents know?”

“Yes we’ve contacted them. Phil… Dan… I’m so sorry.”

Dan couldn’t speak, he was sobbing now, muffling the sound into Phil’s shirt, his eyes still closed against the harsh light of the room.

“He was…” Phil never finished the sentence.

 

After being assured that there was nothing else they could do that night, they made the journey back to the flat, still silent as before. They had reached the top landing before Dan realised he had involuntarily started gripping Phil’s hand again. They paused and finally looked at one another when they got to the doorway.

“I cant go back in,” whispered Dan. He didn’t want to see the pages and pages of PJ’s funny little storyboard drawings. He didn’t want to see the leftovers of the Chinese takeaway he had had last night. He didn’t want to be alone with the fact that PJ was never finishing his leftovers or his film, or that he was never coming back at all.

“Don’t then,” said Phil gently, opening his own door and putting his arm around Dan, leading him in and switching the light on. The room looked exactly as it had the last time Dan had been in there, a pile of anime DVDs lying by the television, some framed Dan and Phil posters stacked in the corner, ready for shipping. He didn’t know what he expected, why he expected everything to look different now. The world was still exactly the same and that was somehow unbearable.

“Can you turn the light off? I just… its too bright.” Phil obeyed and Dan suddenly noticed something glowing in the pocket of his jeans. It was his phone- he had one missed call and a new answerphone message. He clicked to hear it, accidentally setting it on speaker phone so that the voice reverberated all around the silent room.

“Dan! It’s Will Reeves here. Tried to call you earlier but no worries, I know you’re a busy man. Just wanted to let you know- you’ve got the part! Me and Gloria just thought you were terrific yesterday. It was an absolute shoo-in. Looking forward to working with you, buddy. Drop me a line when you get the chance, alright?”

Dan felt utterly hollow. Neither of them responded to what they'd heard.

They just assumed their now- familiar positions on the sofa, sat close, hands entwined, silent and wide awake in the dark.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the last chapter....  
> And also for this chapter.

Insurmountably, everything had had changed and Phil had already begun to think of his former life as a happy kind of dream. The biggest obstacle on the old horizon was nothing compared to this dull, aching kind of misery, constant from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep. And things were only going to get worse. For the time being he still had Dan. It was a confusing, blurry relationship but a solid comfort in the days since PJ had passed. They hadn’t spent much time apart since that night and physically, they always seemed to be connected, touching in some small but infinitely perceivable way.

Sophie and Mara had healed, physically with no permanent injuries, although they had been advised to rest for as long as possible. Phil thought Sophie’s agonising expression of grief when they went into her hospital room the following morning would be etched into his brain forever. Neither she nor Dan had been able to live in the old flat since PJ had died, and so they had all been sleeping on the floor, on mattresses in Phil’s living room.

Dan had thought long and hard about moving back to London in the aftermath of PJ’s death, deliberating and agonising; looking at it from every different angle. In the end it had been Sophie who had solidified his decision, reminding him that it had been PJ who’d told him that he should just go for it.

“He wouldn’t want this to hold you back, Dan.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

“I won’t be alone. I’m going to be moving back in with my parents soon.”

They didn’t need to ask Phil what he thought. It was obvious to everyone. But despite what they all assumed about his feelings towards Dan, and the loyal viewership they had built up together, the biggest problem was that he was just going to miss _Dan._ He was going to miss seeing what kind of ridiculous jumper he was wearing today, he was going to miss teasing him about his taste in anime, he was going to miss that infectious laugh… There was no one in the world who could make him laugh so hard. 

He knew that Dan understood. He knew that he was trying to make it easier for Phil with his kind words and comforting embraces, but that somehow made it even worse. He didn’t want Dan’s pity.

 

They also had another worry: Chris hadn’t showed up since the night PJ had died. He had sent a couple of one- word texts saying: ‘SORRY’, and someone from Dan’s theatre group said they’d seen him wondering around Canal street late one night, but other than that, there had been no sign of him. They were all hoping he’d reappear for PJ’s funeral, which was scheduled for the day before Dan was due to leave for London.

They had all stopped making YouTube videos for the time being, focusing solely on finishing and editing PJ’s final film, which became the driving momentum for everyone getting out of bed in the morning. Sophie took over for directing the final couple of scenes with Mara and Dan standing in as the camera operators. Phil spent most of his time at the YouTube studio, editing the footage they had amassed, but he made sure to be there on the final day of filming. The final shot was to be a slow-zoom in on Michael’s face, with the realisation that he was growing a pair of wings out of his back, which were going to be added in post-production. They filmed it near the flat, next to the canal, the snow falling around Michael’s small figure.

“That’s a wrap!” said Sophie heavily after they had got their shot. Despite the bitter chill in the air, everyone stayed gathered on the street for a long time, hugging and crying and reminiscing about the times they’d spent with PJ.

 

The film was released on the same day as the funeral, providing a bittersweet kind of swan-song to PJ’s talent. As hoped, Chris had turned up, albeit twenty-five minutes late into the service, sitting down in the pew next to Phil, who was on the other side of Dan and Mara. He looked as though he’d lost a lot of weight in the few weeks that he’d been gone. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes were sunken into his skull.

“I’m sorry everyone” he whispered, tears streaming down his face. “I just couldn’t handle it.”

Sophie, who was in the pew in front of them with PJ’s family, reached out behind her and took his hand.

“PJ so would’ve predicted this: Crabsticks doing a runner at the first sign of anything remotely serious” she smiled through her tears.

“Bastard” replied Chris. “I always hated proving him right.”

 

Later on the five of them gathered around PJ's graveside, the heady scent of fresh flowers in the air. The snow was covering them thick and fast.

“Life is just a big pile of fucking shit, isn’t it?” said Chris.

“It is” said Sophie. Her face was tear-stained and somehow she looked much older than she had two weeks previously. “But as PJ would’ve said: it’s also beautiful”

“And weird,” added Phil.

“And worth it” said Mara, laying down a single rose on the fresh white snow.

“For however long we’re here,” Dan finished, his eyes glassy and faraway.

 

* * *

 

 

As the girls slept that night Phil helped Dan pack up all of PJ’s things into cardboard boxes, ready for his parents to collect. Sophie’s possessions were already at her own parent’s house in preparation for moving out completely. Now all that remained was for Dan to squeeze his large pile of clothes and books into two suitcases, ready for his flight to London in the morning.

“Well” said Phil after they had jammed both of the suitcases shut by sitting on them respectively.

“It looks so empty” said Dan wistfully, doing a little loop of the kitchen table. “You know, I never really liked this place. Much prefer your flat. Even though it’s exactly the same.”

“Is that why you’ve spent almost every waking moment at my place since the time you moved here?”

“You know that wasn’t the only reason” he smiled at Phil.

“D’you want me to drive you to the airport tomorrow?”

“I was going to get a taxi: the BBC are paying. You’d have to get up at five in the morning.”

“Please. I can’t sleep anyway, these days.”

“Okay. Thanks, Phil.” They took one last look around the empty flat before dragging Dan’s suitcases out and finally closing the door.

 

The next morning, Dan said his goodbyes to Sophie and Mara, hugging them tightly and telling them to phone him: “At any time, I don’t care, just phone me”

“You’re going to be too busy hamming it up in the West End with all your fancy chums” teased Mara.

“Don’t even joke. I only have four real friends and I’m leaving all of them behind. Speaking of which- where’s Chris?”

“He’s buggered off again” said Sophie, who was still half- asleep, rubbing her eyes. “But don’t worry, he said something about going to London. So you might be up one friend, Dan... Take care of yourself, alright?”

“I will. Promise you will, too? Both of you? And thank you both… You’ve done so much for me.”

“Stop it I’m going to cry and the doctor said I couldn’t do that anymore, I’m running out of salt reserves.” said Sophie, covering her face with her hands.

“Sorry” said Dan, pulling her and Mara close for a final hug.

“Quickly, take him away, Phil, before we decide we need to keep him.”

Dan gave a final wave of his hand, before leaving the flat, wiping his eyes, Phil following behind him.

 

They were sat down in the car, luggage packed in the boot and Phil had started driving before Dan spoke again.

“Phil, you’ll keep making videos, wont you? Please say you will?”

“Of course. I don’t know if they’ll be quite as good without you.”

“They will. I’ll watch every single one. And you’ll stay in contact?”

“Of course I will.” He wasn’t looking at Dan but he could tell that he was trying very hard not to cry again.

“And will you… Make sure everyone’s alright? Sophie, Mara, Michael… _Chris_ if the stupid bugger ever decides to turn up?”

“You know I will.”

“And will you make sure _you’re_ alright? For God’s sake Phil, just make sure you’re alright, please?”

“I- I’ll try.”

“And will you do me one more favour?”

“Yes.”

“Will you send me that drawing of us riding on a dinosaur that the fan gave us? I think I left it somewhere in your living room. It’s kind of my good- luck charm.”

Phil laughed in spite of himself. “Done. Anything else?”

“As if that’s not enough.”

They sat in silence for a while, before Phil, unable to stand it anymore, switched on the CD player to break the tension. The clanging, melancholic synthesiser chords of the song ‘Water Me’ filled the car.

“FKA Twigs!” said Dan. “You’re a fan now?”

“I love her. Which is annoying seeing as how I’ll have to give you back the album you loaned me.”

“Just keep it, Phil. It can be a goodbye present.”

The music lay heavy and sad in the air, her voice encircling them. Phil willed for Dan to tell him to stop and turn the car around. They were seeing signs for Manchester airport everywhere now.

“Well, this is it.” said Dan as they approached the parking area.

“D’you want me to help you with your suitcases?” he said, his voice desperate now as he backed into a parking space opposite the entrance to the terminal.

“Nah, you don’t have a coat and its freezing. It’s only a short walk by the looks of things. I’ll be fine”

“Well. I suppose… Goodbye Dan. Good Luck.” This speech came out sounding stiffer and more formal than he’d intended.

“Thank you… for everything, Phil” Dan shifted forwards in his seat, stretching across the gear sticks to give him a hug. Phil pressed his cheek against Dan’s neck and held him tightly. They stayed clutching each other for a brief moment before Dan gave a final goodbye, gently shutting the car door. Phil heard him fetch his suitcases from the back, then watched the only man he had ever loved walk away into the billowing snow.

“Look back” he said aloud in the silence of the car, leaning forwards. “Look back at me.”

He watched Dan’s figure get more and more distant until he reached the sliding doors of the terminal and was gone from slight.

He didn’t look back once.

And that was that.

 

* * *

 

 

Except that it wasn’t.

It was very hard to move on from somebody, thought Phil later on in the week, when you were reminded of them every single day in your videos. He had uploaded the first video since PJ died on the night after Dan had left. He explained that he was going to be going back to the old format, just him alone and wished Dan luck in his new venture, but he spent most of the video talking about PJ, and how much he had meant to him. Perhaps because of this, and because of the sadness within the community, the news of Dan’s absence wasn’t met with quite such a negative reaction as he had been expecting. Still, with each new video he uploaded, there was general barrage of complaints about Dan’s lack of presence and as November turned to December, it was becoming more than a little grating. Phil felt that his ideas were lacklustre, restrained even, but it was difficult to find the same enthusiasm anymore, without someone to joke and interact with. Instead of focusing on the present, he decided to look back to the past, making videos about childhood memories and old favourite films.

He made a few videos with Chris at the end of December, but they soon fizzled out, as Chris always seemed distracted and distant, and he would have long unexplained periods where he didn’t turn up for a couple of weeks. In the end he confessed to Phil that he was giving up YouTube to focus on becoming a professional stand-up comedian.

“You know my heart was never really in this, Phil. I’m not like you. And PJ’s death just made me realise: I don’t have all the time in the world.”

Phil assured him that he understood, even when Chris made the decision to leave Manchester and seek work in London. In reality he felt as though his life was being ripped apart at the seams.

Dan had been in close contact for the first month of his absence, but now that the filming for his show was really underway, his texts had become sparser and sparser. Phil and Mara had watched the first episode of his show together and he couldn’t help but remember all the times Dan had spent in this exact position, sat so close on his sofa. Now he was inside that tiny screen and he couldn’t have seemed further away. He knew the programme, entitled ‘City of Blood’ was going to be a hit from the offset. Its focus was on a shifting time loop between nineteenth century and modern day London, accessible only by a chosen few. Dan’s character was usually dressed in a long black suit jacket, his hair curly and windswept, and his primary goal was to track down a nineteenth century killer to avenge his distant relation’s death.

“That was good” said Mara when the closing credits rolled. “Thought he always said that the radio show was shit?”

“They changed the story up a lot. I don’t remember most of that stuff happening in the radio version.”

“You used to listen to it?”

“Sometimes.” He didn’t elaborate further, and Mara seemed to know not to press the matter.

He tried calling Dan to congratulate him on his success, but Dan never seemed to pick up his phone anymore, and he didn’t really feel like leaving a message.

 

* * *

 

The snow finally started to melt in late January, by which time ‘City of Blood’ had become the programme everyone was talking about. Phil felt like he couldn’t go anywhere without seeing Dan’s face on billboards and buses. He couldn’t escape. It was torturous yet still he tuned in every single week, his heart beating faster every time Dan appeared on screen.

There were still a couple of bright spots in Phil’s life: PJ’s film had done incredibly well, amassing praise from fans and critics alike. He and Sophie, who had moved out but was still a regular at Phil’s flat, decided to put together a ‘behind the scenes’ video with footage from the shoot, and interviews with Michael and some of the other cast members. And Mara had decided to start making YouTube video’s again. She had almost doubled her subscribers since her first day of posting, and had even filmed a couple of collaborations with Phil. It was easy to forget Dan when he was filming with her, laughing at some terrible pun she had made, or editing with Sophie at the YouTube studio, gently arguing about what to leave in the final edit.

But night time was a different story. When everyone was gone and he was alone in his living room, surrounded by the oppressive silence, he found himself turning to his computer, and typing into google:

‘Dan Howell’

There was an increasing number of results now, TV forums discussing him, reviews of his performances, articles and a smaller forum of YouTube fans who criticised him quite strongly for quitting the videos. Phil trawled through all of the results, and then searched the images as well. The familiar headshots and screencaps from the show popped up, but there was a candid photograph further down on the page that looked out of place. Dan looked slightly drunk, his eyes unfocused. He was coming out of a dark doorway and the flash of the camera was obviously disorientating him. Someone’s arm was around his waist, holding him up. Phil noticed that there was a link on the side of the image, so he clicked on it. His heart felt as though it had stopped beating when he saw another image, popping up alongside an article.

Against the wall at the side of the doorway, Dan was kissing someone: his face was partly obscured by the man’s head, but it was undeniable. His eyes were closed and the man was gripping his waist, lips on his. There was another picture where Dan was leaning back slightly with the weight of the man pressed against him. And this time Phil could see his face, a side profile view.

The square, boyish features were unmistakable, even at this angle: it was Chris.

He forced himself to read the accompanying text, which was presented in a tabloid style, with a gossipy tone:

**DAN’S BIG NIGHT OUT**

**‘City of Blood’ actor Dan Howell, 25, was spotted locking lips with up and coming comedian Chris Kendall, 29 outside the Ivy restaurant in London late last night. One onlooker said that the two were ‘all over each other, oblivious to anyone else’. They were later seen leaving in a taxi together. The news will come as a major blow to Dan’s legions of fans who have fallen for his character in the hit new BBC2 show.**

Phil closed his laptop. He felt as though he had just been shot in the chest. His world shouldn’t be falling apart. It wasn’t as though Dan had ever been _his._ He was free to live his life exactly as he wanted. And it was the same with Chris.

But Phil had finally had enough. He decided that he was just going to work through the pain.

Eventually, he promised himself, in his mind, the name 'Dan' was just going to mean exactly the same as 'Phil' obviously meant to Dan: nothing at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "Look back at me" line from when Phil saw Dan off at the airport was lifted directly from the 2004 BBC miniseries 'North and South' with Richard Armitage as John Thornton.


	9. Chapter 9

 

“Dan, I know you’re paying for it and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything, but this hotel is shit.”

Chris was lying in a bed in a bright, sunlit room and Dan was sitting, cross-legged on top of the covers, facing him, his back to the window. Chris continued:

“…No mini bar, No room service, not allowed to leave, forced to write about my feelings in a tiny little notebook every ten minutes of the day… I mean, granted the décor is nice. But still: I’m giving it one star on trip advisor.”

“Ha ha ha” said Dan sarcastically. “Hilarious.”

“You should be glad I’m still making jokes, mate. You don’t want to be there when the laughter stops.”

“I _was_ there. I seem to remember it involved you sticking your tongue halfway down my throat”

“Oh _don’t_ fucking talk about that” Chris pulled the covers up to his eyes. “Listen… I don’t make a habit of sexually assaulting my friends, alright. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t even know my own name at that point.”

“Its alright” said Dan, who was laughing now. “Most action I’ve had in a while.”

“Fucking hell. I’m sorry.”

Chris was shaking, his body covered in tiny beads of sweat. He looked utterly terrible but it was still an improvement from the last time Dan had seen him, when he had been covered in flecks of his own vomit, ranting and muttering to no one in particular, and crying about needing another drink.

 

Dan didn’t know why it had taken him so long to realise that Chris had an alcohol problem. Since he’d arrived in London he always seemed to have a can of beer on the go, no matter the occasion. Of course, it came with the territory of the boozy comedy clubs he now frequented, but even when he had visited Dan on set one day he had reeked of whisky, swigging from an unlabelled bottle. But he was Chris: he was always making everything into a joke, never serious about anything, and so Dan had just assumed he was having a bad day.

Until the night last week when they’d gone out to that stupidly expensive restaurant with the TV executives, who told them to order whatever they wanted. Chris had drunk glass after glass of champagne, fallen under the table, vomited twice and then continued drinking before being dragged out by Dan. The night had ended with a taxi ride to the Priory rehabilitation centre, Dan gently persuading Chris that he had to sort out his problem before he ended up killing himself.

“I guess those TV executives aren’t going to get me on that sitcom?” asked Chris weakly, snapping Dan back to the present.

“I’d say its unlikely, mate. But let’s concentrate on you getting better before you start worrying about stuff like that. How’s the treatment going?”

“Fucking shit. They’re making me keep a diary. Three times a day I have to write about my feelings. Three times! I don’t even have that many feelings in a month.”

“Yeah but its probably a good thing just to let everything out, you know?”

“Oh God and the _group_ therapy. Christ. ‘Hi, I’m Chris and I’m an alcoholic.’ It’s the same shit everyday. And Dan, if you ever get offered a part on Hollyoaks just don’t take it alright? There are three guys from that show here right now, two cokeheads and a heroin addict. I don’t like those odds. The heroin guy is kind of cute mind you.”

“Right, well, I’ll bear that in mind.”

“And oh _god_ \- yesterday they made us do this exercise: contacting and apologising to people we’ve hurt as a result of our addictions. So I phoned up my sister and my mum and my mum didn’t even know about any of this so of course she starts having a mini- breakdown. And then I phoned up Phil, and I-“

“-Phil? You apologised to Phil?”

“Of course” said Chris exasperatedly. “Well I felt like such a shit over the whole kissing you business. I mean he was absolutely crazy about you Dan, you don’t know the half of it. And he actually thought we were dating. Saw it on some website.”

“Oh God.” Dan felt like lead had just dropped into his stomach. He didn’t want to imagine Phil finding out about this, or thinking that he had any type of romantic feelings towards Chris. “What did you tell him?”

“Just explained the whole thing. He was okay with it, you know Phil. Turns out he’s seeing someone now so he wasn’t as-“

“-Who?”

“Erm. I dunno. Some YouTube guy he met.”

“Oh that’s good” said Dan but he was feeling strangely agitated. “I haven’t spoken to him in a while. Glad things are going well for him.”

“Well, not exactly. I guess you haven’t heard about this YouTube advertising standards thing?”

“What?”

Chris sighed, leaning back into the pillows behind him. “Its this new thing, the ASA decided to crack down on YouTubers not letting the audience know if they’re being paid to advertise a product. They’ve made a new law about it. And for some reason… I dunno probably because he’s popular… They’re really making an example out of Phil. They’ve made him take some of his most- viewed videos down, like the baking ones.”

“But that’s not fair!” Dan spluttered, outraged. “If there was no law in place at the time… And the audience aren’t stupid! They clearly knew what was going on.”

“That’s not even the worst of it, did you know that Phil was making direct financial contributions to the upkeep of the Manchester YouTube studios every single month? And now they don’t have enough funding. They might have to close down.”

Dan shook his head in disbelief. “This is… Fuck, I had no idea… ”

He was still reeling with this information when there came a knock at the door and a stern- looking women with short brown hair appeared, tapping her watch and telling him that visiting hours were over.

“Bring me a couple of cans of Strongbow next time will you Dan?” said Chris as he waved him goodbye. The woman narrowed her eyes at him.

“You’re never going to appreciate that one are you, Julia?”

 

* * *

 

 

Dan couldn’t stop thinking about what Chris had told him all throughout the filming that day. He continued thinking about it on the train on his way home, and then when he finally closed the door of his flat he got his phone out of his pocket and scrolled down his list of contacts, hovering over ‘Phil’ for a while. In the end he just couldn’t bring himself to call. Hating himself slightly, he did what he’d been doing on most of his evenings lately: sitting down at the piano, bashing out melodies.

He had managed to get the same flat that he, Sophie and PJ had lived in the year before, which had seemed like a great stroke of luck at the time, but now that he was here, he wasn’t so sure. He could afford the whole place now, as well as all of the fanciest furniture that the interior-decorator he had hired could buy, but it just felt so empty without them. His hands began tapping out the familiar, haunting melody of ‘Like Spinning Plates’ as he turned round the events of the day in his mind, wanting to find a solution to Phil’s problems. Suddenly, mid chord- change, he had an idea, abandoning the song and racing off to find his camera. It was at the back of his wardrobe, covered in dust but when he switched it on the red light at the top still appeared. He put it on top of the piano, then stood back a bit, facing it. Then he hesitated.

 _‘Why the hell am I so nervous?’_ he thought. _‘I’ve done this a hundred times before. Just DO it.’_

“Hi” he said, stepping forwards. “So… My name is Dan…Nice to meet you… And this is my first proper video I guess. And if you’re watching this because of AmazingPhil, which, let’s face it, who isn’t, then you already knew all of that. So lets begin… As an actor in a TV show on the BBC I understand that the taxpayer’s money goes towards producing quality, ad-free content. But I’m also a YouTuber, and I understand that a lot of our work is payed for by us, produced by us. And without the backing of a government corporation, sometimes we have to rely on the financial support provided by the promotion of certain products in our videos. And honestly, where’s the harm in that? Now this new law came into place only recently, meaning that all videos which didn’t clearly declare the products before this date are not in breach of any contract.”

He got even closer to the camera, impassioned now and enjoying himself.

“Now I’m sorry, but I cant risk my first video on Danisnotonfire becoming a completely serious one, so please enjoy this Radiohead cover in the voice of a cat.”

 

He uploaded the video at 2:00am, exhausted and by the time he woke up the next day it had been viewed over a million times. One of the top comments was from AmazingPhil, who’d simply written:

c:

But still, he didn’t call, and Dan assumed that Phil must be too busy with his new boyfriend, whoever he was. He didn’t know why, but he was picturing him with some sneering, horrible, greasy brute and he absolutely hated the imaginary man. It wasn’t that he wanted Phil to be alone, at least, he didn’t think that’s what it was. He just selfishly missed being _Dan and Phil_ exclusively, no other parties involved. He missed chatting to Phil, teasing Phil, pulling on his sleeve and whining his name. He missed noticing his odd socks and his cactus additions. He missed getting his opinions on anime and music and everything in between. He missed the way Phil could make him feel better about everything, every insecurity. It definitely wasn’t anything more than that. But really, when he thought about it, that was an awful lot.

He thought going out with someone would take his mind off these thoughts, and so he accepted an invitation to dinner from a screenwriter who had been chatting him up since they’d met on set a few weeks previously. They ate in a stuffy restaurant with expensive, tiny portions of food which came on very large wooden boards for some reason, and Dan tried not to look at his watch as his date droned on.

“…So then I spent four months in Prague studying under Lawrence Desser and my work became primarily involved with the human relationship to Nietzschean ideas such as… Erm… Is something funny?”

Dan had just noticed that the waiter looked an awful lot like ‘Dil’, the Sim that he and Phil had created together. “Oh sorry Arthur, its nothing. The waiter looks a bit like… Someone I know. Anyway, you were saying?”

“Well, maybe you should tell me a bit about yourself, Dan. I feel I’ve just been prattling on.”

“Well…" Dan panicked slightly as Arthur observed him over his thick- rimmed black glasses. “Today I reached a million subscribers on my YouTube channel.”

“Oh” he said, pushing his glasses up to the brim of his nose. “I’ve never really watched YouTube. Do you get a lot of… value out of it?”

He wasn’t exactly sneering. He just seemed genuinely baffled by the concept.

“I used to think it was stupid” Dan said honestly, thinking about it. “But now… Well I’ve seen how many lives its changed. Back when I lived in Manchester, so many people were using the YouTube studio to connect with each other, make films and change things… ”

“Oh, I think I heard about that place. It was on the news… It was going to be shut down wasn’t it?”

“Yep. But not anymore” smiled Dan. The day after he had posted his YouTube video he had also made a very generous anonymous donation. After all, he thought, he had the money now, and what was he spending it on other than stuff like this unappetising foie gras he was currently pushing around his wooden plate?

 

Later on, in the taxi on the way home Arthur had kissed him, his lips eager, passionate, his hand brushing Dan’s thigh. And Dan knew that he wanted to take him home and fuck him and that it probably would’ve been fun because Arthur was a good kisser, and he was intelligent, and he was good- looking and there was only one problem, but it was an enormous one. It was such a problem that he had to excuse himself, leaving the taxi and walking the few miles back to his flat, before getting in and lying face down on the floor.

He wasn’t Phil.

And somehow, the realisation hit him like he had already known it his entire life but it had been locked away in some deep recess of his brain. He was unutterably, undeniably completely head over heels in love with Philip Lester.

“Fuck!” he shouted into the dark room.

 

* * *

 

 

A rainy February became a slightly less rainy March, and Dan started to get used to feeling like he was carrying a ton-weight secret around with him wherever he went. He still hadn’t had any contact with Phil but he had developed the probably-definitely unhealthy habit of watching numerous AmazingPhil videos before he fell asleep at night, and then sometimes in the morning as well. He repeatedly watched the ‘behind the scenes’ of PJ’s film that Sophie released too, marvelling at how much Michael seemed to have grown up in the space of a few months. And Mara’s videos were always a welcome addition to his subscription box: she had increased in confidence with each one and was now a bona-fide comedian to rival even Chris.

He had also been working very hard on his show as his character had a very prominent storyline leading up to the final episode. He had been given a death scene, but the writers had told him they’d bring him back, if he wanted, for the next series. Dan wasn’t entirely sure. It was fun, and the show had become extremely popular, but somehow it didn’t seem so fulfilling as he had hoped it would. People on the street kept addressing him as his character rather than himself, and he couldn’t help thinking back to the YouTube convention, when he had felt so completely loved and accepted for his whole self.

After the last day of filming had wrapped, he went to visit Chris at the Priory, taking him some flowers.

“Fuck you Dan, I told you I wanted a case of beer, not fucking tulips”

“Are you going to make this joke every single time?”

“Every. Single. Time. Only this will be the last time, hopefully. I’m being released into the wild next week.”

“That’s great! Are you sure you’re… going to be alright?”

“Translation: are you sure you’re not going to go on a massive bender the moment you get out? I don’t think so, Dan” He seemed suddenly worried, though he certainly looked healthier than he had a few weeks prior: he had stopped shaking and the colour had returned to his cheeks. “You never really know what you’re going to do. You just have to take it day by day and hope that you’ll do the right thing, in the end… Oh shit, listen to me. Fucking hell I’ve spent too much time in those group sessions.”

They both laughed but then Chris added, in a rare moment of sincerity: “Thanks, Dan. For everything.” He patted Dan’s arm and Dan smiled back at him.

“I’ll send you the bill later, its fine.”

“Oh _everyone’s_ a fucking comedian now.”

“Speaking of which: are you going to get back into it?”

“I don’t know. I’m going back up to Manchester for a bit, I think. We’ll see what happens.”

They talked for a while longer, about whether Dan should do the second series of the TV show, but all too soon came the familiar voice, telling him that visiting hours were over.

“Get me a beer for next time, Dan!” shouted Chris frantically, waving at Dan. “A non-alcoholic organic ginger beer that is, cause I’m straight edge now, baby!”

Julia looked proudly on at him, as though he was her first born son and had just graduated from university.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day he filmed some promotional interviews for the upcoming series finale, sitting under hot lights and wishing he could be outside in the glorious sunshine. It was the first truly gorgeous day of the year and when he finally got out of the stuffy studio he took his time on the walk to the train station, enjoying the atmosphere of people everywhere, chattering and laughing. There seemed to be daffodils all over the place he thought, before he entered Euston station, getting out his oyster card, ready to pass through the gates.

He didn’t really want to go back to his empty flat so he stayed for a while, leaning on a pillar, sunglasses on, incognito, watching people go by. Everyone seemed to be in an enormous rush. Even the people waiting around or just eating sandwiches did so with a trepid kind of anticipation. Suddenly he noticed someone in the distance, next to the ticket barriers wearing a yellow hoodie. The man had a very familiar gait, unassuming, gawky. He spun around for a moment, checking a timetable on the wall.

It was.

It was Phil.

He turned around again and his oyster card fell out of his back pocket. He walked away, oblivious.

 _‘Idiot’_ , thought Dan with great affection.

He hurried over to pick the card up, making sure he kept looking up to ensure that Phil was still within sight. He had sat down on a bench next to one of the platforms and Dan approached slowly, oddly afraid of what he might say, or how he might react.

“Forgetting something?” he asked finally when he was a few feet away. Phil looked up, his face somehow more mature and a little more troubled than Dan had remembered it. But now he just broke into an enormous smile.

“Dan!” He got up and they hugged, awkwardly, each turning the wrong way and knocking into each other.

“… You dropped this” said Dan, scarcely believing that this was real, and that he was talking to Phil: real live, solid, adorably awkward Phil.

“Thank you!”

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to visit Chris.”

“Oh. Right. Yeah he’s doing a lot better, isn’t he? I saw him yesterday.” Dan had had a ridiculous hope that maybe Phil had come to visit him. But of course it was for Chris.

“Yeah, I think he’s coming up to visit me next week when he gets out.”

“That’s great. How’s Mara? And Sophie? And Michael?”

“All doing well. Michael’s in a play right now, ‘A Taste Of Honey’. I saw it: he was absolutely brilliant. And Sophie’s doing some video editing work. Mara’s making YouTube videos again. She’s got her own place now, she’s doing really well.”

“Yeah, I saw the videos: they’re hilarious. And I love her new hair. How have you been doing?”

“Not too bad. Same old, you know… And you: I couldn’t believe it when I saw you’d actually posted a video!” They grinned at one another.

“Well, I thought finally I actually have something to say.”

“Thank you. They let me put those videos back up again, the ones they’d taken down. I guess it had something to do with a certain famous actor making a storm about it.” Dan waved his hand.

“It was the least I could do, after everything you’ve done, for everyone. Oh my God, Phil. And I’m so glad the YouTube studio didn’t get closed down after all.”

Phil looked at him strangely, tilting his head, his eyes widening slightly. “It was you!”

“What?”

“They just said they’d received an anonymous donation… But it was you, wasn’t it?”

“Sherlocked it.”

Phil shook his head, looking overwhelmed. “Thank you… Dan, thank you so much… And how have you been, really? I’m so pleased that your show is such a success. It’s amazing. Everyone’s talking about it.”

“Yeah its been fun. We’ve wrapped filming for the first series. I’m not sure if I’m doing the second.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“No, no. Its fine… So I heard you were seeing someone now. That’s great.” He tried hard to make it look as though he meant it.

“What?” asked Phil, looking confused.

“Chris said something about-“

“-Oh that. No, that only lasted a couple of weeks. I don’t know… I guess he just wasn’t really… I don’t know…” Dan’s heart started beating fast, his palms sweating.

“Well… listen… D’you want to go and get a coffee or something, or we could go back to my flat. I still feel like there’s loads to catch up on and-“

As if in answer to Dan’s question, a train pulled up at the platform, the words MANCHESTER NORTH emblazoned on the front.

“I wish I could but I pre-booked the ticket. I have to get this one.”

“Right” said Dan, trying to swallow down his disappointment.

“But… will you stay in touch… really this time?”

“Promise. And will you come back here and visit me?”

“Yes. We’ll collaborate again next time, okay? I’d better get on the train now, Dan. It was good seeing you”

Dan hated the way that they were talking to each other: it was so formal and distant and _unlike_ them. He managed to choke out a feeble, desperate goodbye before Phil disappeared into one of the carriages.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter: thanks to everyone who read, commented, kudosed etc. -much appreciated!

Phil found his seat quickly, shoving his bag onto the floor and flinging himself down next to the window. It was pathetic, to find himself in this position again, months later: desperate for one last look.

  
Even after Chris had called and told him that the kiss with Dan had been nothing, even after Dan had very publicly defended his name and as it now turned out; pretty much single- handily saved the YouTube studio from closure, even after all of that… it had been too painful to keep hanging on to him, or the idea of being with him. There seemed to be too much of a distance between them, physical; emotional… The last few months had hardened Phil considerably: he had learned to keep his back to the past and just push forward, regardless.

But he hadn’t factored in on seeing Dan that day. His hair had grown longer: it was now brushing his shoulders. And there were deeper crinkles round his eyes when he smiled. He was outrageously beautiful: ridiculously so, even more than Phil remembered. He also seemed to stand a little smaller, his shoulders hunched over, resting his weight on one leg. Yet he had been so _happy:_ so smiley and pleased to see him that Phil’s heart had broken a little more at the realisation that they were little more strangers with a shared history now.

Still, in spite of this he now scanned the station, desperate for one last glance. There were just so many people: another train had arrived at Euston, and they were all billowing out onto the platform, obscuring his view. But Phil didn’t stop looking even as the train started moving, even as he felt someone sit down next to him. He didn’t allow his glance to fall away until the station was finally out of his sight and his hope was lost.

 _'Ridiculous’_ he thought.

  
Only then did he realise that the pair of legs next to his own were uniquely familiar.

Unfathomably, Dan was sat in the seat next to him, his eyes cast downwards, his expression oddly grim considering how carefree he had appeared only minutes ago. Phil waited for him to speak, to explain what on earth was happening, but he didn’t, and several moments passed before Phil said:

“Dan, are you alright?”

  
“Phil…” He finally met Phil’s gaze, his eyes full of anxiety. “I…”

  
His hands were shaking in his lap, and his voice was strained, and Phil was beginning to feel seriously concerned.

  
“You’re not… You haven’t got the same issues as Chris, do you? Or is it your show? Are you worried about not being in the next series?” asked Phil, his mind whirring with possibilities at what the matter could be.

  
“No!” said Dan forcefully and to Phil’s relief he actually started to laugh, his voice becoming clearer. “Phil, stop guessing. I’m not an alcoholic. I’m not worried about the show… I’m worried about you.”

  
Phil still felt utterly baffled. “But, I’m fine. You know I’m alright, don’t you?”

  
“Oh God” Dan put his head in his hands. “I’m doing this all wrong. I’m being so vague and I just need to get it out.” He took a deep breath and looked into Phil’s eyes, continuing:  
“You were vulnerable with me once, Phil, and... And I know this is the worst timing… I know that you’re over me, and we’re not even… _us_ anymore… Maybe we never were… But over the past five months we’ve been apart… I’ve…”

Phil’s heart started beating faster as he listened to him ramble incoherently, a small red spot forming on his neck. But he wasn’t going to let Dan keep talking in this way if he was just going to be let down again. He had to be sure. So he allowed himself to speak the words that he’d squashed down and repressed a long time ago.

  
“Dan, I’m not over you.”

  
Almost as though he had no control over it, Dan’s head fell to Phil’s shoulder, and his hand found his own.

  
“Phil” the word came out muffled as Dan burrowed his face into his neck, his touch so painfully good that Phil almost felt physically wounded.

  
“I’ll never be over you… " Phil said softly into his ear. "But if you still don’t feel the same way… I won’t say it again.”

  
Dan looked up now, his smile wider than Phil had ever seen it, his eyes shining with joy.

  
“I love you, Phil”

  
It was overwhelming. The way that Dan’s lips met his own, with the same force of intensity and the way that he pulled him into the kiss and held him there, his hands around Phil’s neck, encircling him. Still mystified by how this perfect event could have unfolded, Phil had to stop kissing him for a second to ask:  
“When did you?-“

And Dan seemed to understand the weight of the question, though he couldn’t seem to tear his mouth away from Phil’s, saying, in between kisses:

  
“- I realised-“

  
“-a few-“

  
“-months ago-“

  
“-but I-“

  
“-think I already-“

  
“-knew before that-“

  
“-I’m just-“

  
“-an idiot-“

  
Phil now stuck his tongue into Dan’s mouth, drowning out his words and it was messy and clumsy and one point they couldn’t stop smiling so their teeth just banged uselessly against each other but it was Dan and it was _heaven._

And it was real.

  
“Excuse me, boys! Tickets please!”

Phil had entirely forgotten that they were still on a train. The conductor was standing by their seats, a heavy set man with greying hair. He looked completely unsurprised by the clinch he had just witnessed.  
Phil fumbled around in his bag for his ticket and Dan said:

“Single to Manchester, please”, putting his arm around Phil and making him feel as though his heart was actually going to burst.

  
“Right you are” said the man, printing out a ticket. His eyes suddenly widened as he took another glance at Dan.

  
“Oh! You’re… _him!_ From… thingy, on the telly! Oh, my missus loves you! Do me an autograph for her would you, mate? It’d make her day.”

  
“Of course,” said Dan, laughing. As he was signing his name on an old ticket, the man narrowed his eyes at Phil.

  
“Hey, you look familiar too… You famous?“

  
Dan nudged him in the ribs.

  
“My boyfriend, Phil- he’s a famous YouTuber.”

  
“Yeah!” said the man. “I’ll get one off you too mate, if you don’t mind…”

 

As the man walked away, muttering: “This’ll get me back into her good books” they cuddled each other close again, Phil snickering as he stroked Dan’s hair.

  
“I cant believe I’m going out with _him_ from thingy!”

  
“You’d better get used to it” Dan answered seriously, before sighing and shaking his head. “Oh God Phil, I missed you so much.”

Phil started to reply to tell him he had missed him too, desperately, but Dan started kissing him again, and he didn’t really want to stop, not for anything in the world.

  
The scenery outside changed dramatically and the sky darkened but neither Dan nor Phil noticed any of this during the rest of their journey to Manchester.

 

When they arrived at the flat Dan flopped down on the sofa immediately, as though he had never left. Somehow the whole place looked brighter than when Phil had left that morning.

“Home” said Dan, happily. “Come here, Phil.” And Phil joined him, wrapping his arms tightly around him, still unable to believe Dan was actually here: and being so cuddly; unwilling to physically leave his side for a second.

  
“Hey… You’ve got three new cactuses! What are they called?”

  
“Well… That one is Susan eleven” he said pointing. “And that one is Susan twelve… And see that big one on the table over there… That one is Dan.”

  
Dan snorted with laugher and hit him on the shoulder.

  
“You’re so stupid” he said affectionately before kissing him on the cheek.

  
“Hey, I needed to find a replacement you when you left.”

  
Dan went to hit him again and then paused to say:

  
“I love you… I just wanted to say it again.”

Phil smiled, kissing his pouting lips and his cute little dimple, and feeling as though he was about to melt onto the floor.

 

“And I love you too.”

 

The next day they filmed ‘Phil is Not On Fire 2’ and the internet was ablaze with excitement over the fact that they had asked fans to submit questions on twitter.  
The requests included a lot of strange things: they had re-enacted some scenes from titanic, answered various ridiculous questions such as ‘would you rather wear a magnetic wig or be bald for the rest of your life?’, tried to fit a whole apple into their mouths and ‘seductively’ advertised toilet paper amongst other things. And at the end, as they were both sat on the floor, their sides sore from laughing, Dan had said:

“This is the most fun I’ve ever had”, and he had looked so completely happy that Phil just couldn’t help but tackle him to the floor, kissing him. They had deliberated for a little while before deciding finally just to keep the moment in.

They were far too busy on the night that they had uploaded it to read any of the reactions, but in the morning they lay in bed together, scrolling on Phil’s ipad.

  
Quite a few of the top commenters were very familiar to Dan and Phil.

  
MichaeltheActor’s comment had received 223 thumbs up. It read:

  
**YESSS. Didn’t want to say anything to Dan or Phil but I always shipped it!!!**

  
Sophie Newton’s comment was at 708 and said:

  
**I’m so happy I’m crying right now. PJ always thought you two would be great together.**

  
MaraExplains had amassed 311 likes and simply stated:

  
**< 3 <3 <3**

  
Crabstickz comment was at 904:

  
**Two attractive, successful, ridiculously compatible people getting together and expressing their love on camera?**

**This sickens me. REPORTED.**

  
But the top comment, which had received 1018 thumbs up at the time that they read it, was from a very familiar blue-haired user called MeganthePhanGirl:

  
**Took them this long to figure things out?? We all knew this would happen from the very first video with Dan.**

  
**Sometimes I don’t understand why I love these two fucking idiots so much.**

 

 

 

 


End file.
